How He Came To Let Her Go (Chapter 3)

My horse is like a Siren; those dangerous creatures from Greek Mythology who lure nearby sailors with their enchanting music and ethereal beauty, to shipwreck on the rocky coasts of their islands. Maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but I was definitely smitten with this horse.

On that first day, as I impatiently waited for Cris to come up the drive to meet me, I wondered what it was I liked so much about this horse. She seemed to have an “uncertain confidence” that I saw as potential. It almost felt like she spoke to my soul on that first day, whispering to me a promise. I was destined to take her on a journey and she had been waiting for me. She was ready to go. Her insistence was almost tangible. It was just a fleeting, but powerful moment and it struck me to the core.


Cris eventually pulled into the ranch, got out of his truck and said “I hear you like my horse! I might consider a lease. Do you want to go for a ride?"

Of course I was thrilled at the prospect. Cris let me bring her out, groom her, saddle her up, all under his watchful eye, of course. I was in heaven. It had been a few years. Then we were off! She really moved out, happy and confident, like we were out on some grand adventure! It felt like it had only been a day since I'd been in the saddle, not 7 years. I remember Cris giving me warnings about certain little behaviors to watch for which never quite materialized. Periodically I would hear him say “Huh…!” behind us. She was really putting her best hoof forward!

Needless to say, I was sold on this mare. I also really liked Cris. How was this going to work out? I decided the best way was to be completely honest. I wanted this horse. And while she wasn’t exactly for sale, I was hoping that maybe Cris would recognize something that might convince him to be open to the idea of letting her go. He was very polite, considering that I had appeared out of nowhere, a stranger, informing him that I wanted his horse. He agreed to think it over for a day or so, and we would talk. I let him know that I also had another horse to look at the next day that I had already scheduled an appointment to see. It’s funny now to think of it, but we were both just delaying the inevitable. Maybe to give ourselves some time to wrap our minds around the sudden and unexpected events of the day.

I did try to go to look at that other horse the next day. My car blew up on the way and as I waited on the side of the road for a tow, I sent Cris a text message “Couldn’t see the other horse, car blew up. I just want Maddie. When do you want to meet to talk about it?”

He agreed to a 60 day lease. We would see how it went. He gave me a purchase price in the event it did work out. I felt like I needed to let him know that if I ended up buying her, we would be leaving the ranch. I had no truck, no trailer, and I knew I wanted a big arena to work in, to re-teach myself how to ride, to get in sync with my new horse, and I also wanted access to miles and miles of trails. I also knew that we were going to have to cut familiar ties in order to embark on our own journey, although I had no idea what that journey would look like at the time.

Next came the most excruciating 60 days of my life! I was so afraid that Cris wouldn’t approve of me, that I wouldn’t be good enough for Maddie, that we wouldn’t be the right match after all, that this feeling I had of knowing could somehow be wrong. My husband spent the next two months reassuring me that from an outsider’s perspective, this horse and I were meant to be together and he assured me that Cris would see it too.

For all of his encouragement, all of my “knowing”, I was still not going to believe it was true until I heard it from Cris.

I could try to tell you how Maddie and I spent that first 60 days, but it’s kind of a blur. I was enjoying it immensely, but also worried. I didn’t want to pester Cris. I was afraid he would change his mind and I just didn’t want to hear the wrong thing. Anyone who knows me would be shocked at how well I kept my mouth firmly shut! But Cris seemed to sense that we “fit” together. He and the others at the ranch would sometimes comment that Maddie seemed really happy with me. I remember being a little doubtful. She was a bit more standoff-ish than I thought she would be, given our initial "sparks-flying" meeting. But this was her way, and I would come to understand and appreciate it better in the coming months.

Finally, a couple of weeks before our 60 days was up, Cris walked past me as I was cleaning out Maddie's pasture. He shook his head and said; “Bitch. You stole my horse!” (with a smile, of course). That’s when I knew there was a good chance she would actually be mine!

While the 60 days may have been stressful and uncertain, there are a few things I clearly remember and enjoyed about my stay at Rocking S Ranch.

One of my assigned chores during our trial period was to clean Maddie’s pasture every day. Cris told me that I could pay a little bit extra to have someone clean for me, but in his wisdom (which I am still very grateful for today), he encouraged me to do it myself. This allowed Maddie and I to form our initial bond. For two months, she would look at me with her silly, curious expression, then look away, completely bored and disinterested. I could count on her casually walking over to make a quick surveillance for hidden treats, then just as casually walking off with a swish of her tail to go stand and stare at something more interesting. It wasn’t much, and to be honest I wondered why she wasn’t more interested in me, but it was the beginning of something.

Cris gave me one warning: “Don’t break my pitchfork!” Within the first week, being a bit muck-rusty and also trying to prove myself as the very best care giver possible, I cleaned so fervently that I broke his pitchfork. I felt terrible! When I left the ranch two months later, Cris presented me with the replacement pitchfork I bought for him. He had written “MADDIE” on it with a Sharpie. I still have it today and I’m a little embarrassed to admit that it holds quite a bit of sentimental value. It represents honor and gratitude. We both honored our word. We honor our horses. Caring for them is an honor and an exercise in gratitude. They give us so much. And even though the board at our new ranch included cleaning, I asked that I be the only one to clean my horse’s stall and pasture every day. Miraculously, I’m doing it with that same damned pitchfork.

Another thing about our stay at Rocking S is the friends that I hadn’t expected to make. The people I met seemed to be in my corner from the beginning, offering encouragement, friendship and much needed advice. I am very grateful for my time spent with these people and very happy that they are still my friends.

There was another person I met there, a farrier’s apprentice, who with a simple comment one day, set the course of our future. More on that later….