A Clothing Optional Wedding

I’m considering a “clothing optional” wedding. You see, a frightening thought occurred to me the other day. What IF, I lose some weight; drop a size or two, and my wedding dress, although it’s totally adorable on the model, does NOTHING for me? What if it doesn’t “flatter” at ALL? It wouldn’t be the first time that a dress that looks perfectly cute on someone else does nothing at all for me. This is going to sound strange to some, but I bet a good half of you (all 8 of you…Kristin accidentally signed up as a follower twice), will understand what I mean when I say: I look better naked.

Clothes just do not flatter my frame. I’m kind of tall-ish, and straight-ish. I don’t have a lot of curves…they’re really subtle…you have to look for them. And when they’re covered in clothing, they’re even harder to see. I have broad shoulders and almost no waist to speak of. I’m more Gabby Reese than Pamela Anderson. Less Marilyn, more Gidget (in midlife with 50 extra pounds). My saving grace is that I am kind of “leggy”, if I may say so myself. Plus, Rob tells me that there is “something about my muscle to bone ratio” (or something like that), that is incredibly sexy to him. Isn’t that an interesting compliment? I’ll TAKE it! His favorite line is “You are my density!” Aw! Yet clothing still does nothing for that (strangely specific) physical assessment.

Now for the naked part. Before I hop in the shower, sometimes I do a quick appraisal in the full length mirror (c’mon, you know you do too!). Sometimes I’ll even throw on a pair of stilettos if I really want to go for the “WOW” factor (you do that too, right?!). No matter what my weight, I always think I look pretty good! Of course I keep the curtains closed and adjust the lighting so it’s just right… I know it’s probably starting to sound like I go to a lot of trouble to do this; but really, it’s no trouble at all! (A little factoid here for people who don’t know me well - I like to use self-deprecating humor. If I don’t laugh at myself, who will? I actually have a pretty healthy self esteem too. If I don’t tell myself how hot I am once in a while, who will?). Anyway - then it’s on with the clothes. And suddenly, like bad voodoo magic, I have back fat around my bra (What? That wasn’t there a minute ago!?), and a muffin top (Where did THAT just come from?!). Seriously, the fat IS NOT there until I put clothes on. Clothing is the culprit! Imagine how hot Eve was in the Garden of Eden, all naked and mother-of-creation like, then she ate a piece of fruit (she was probably just trying to watch her figure), and suddenly she becomes a drab “slightly thick hipped” woman in a shapeless shift.

Now I totally understand the allure of the “clothing optional” resorts. We look at pictures (don’t “we”?), and think to ourselves “Um……I don’t know. I don’t... think...so.” But these people are free of their restrictive, roll-inducing clothing! They may not look great, but they look “better”. A game of tennis anyone? Absolutely! Ping Pong? Sure thing! How about a bike ride? No. I would have to draw the line somewhere.

The point is….maybe I should have a “clothing optional” wedding. That way, I know I will STUN (in a good way, and maybe bad. I’ve got a 50/50 shot here). Maybe half the guests won’t come. But the freaky weird ones will! (You know who you are, and that’s why we love you!).

My friend sent me a link to a story about a new phenomenon called “Vagazzling”. At the very least, if the dress doesn’t work out, I know that I can still “shine” on my special day. In white stilettos, of course! But I won’t be sitting down nor doing the chicken dance. That would just be wrong.