Mirror mirror at the mall....I think my butt gettin' small!

But when I get home and try on my loot (y)
I see I’ve been had….I still got a big boot (y)


I hate shopping malls. I go maybe twice a year. And when I do go, I stick to the stores with their own entrances from the parking lot (Macy’s, Nordstrom, etc.) so that I don’t have to actually walk IN or THROUGH the “mall proper”.

On those few occasions that I go, I am almost always there for one reason and one reason only! A pair of jeans. Not just any jeans, but the ever elusive “Cute Butt Pants” (not commonly referred to as Cute Butt Jeans because it is quite possible that they will be corduroy, or other non-denim cotton).

C.B.P. is not a brand name, but it should be. We all have a pair (or so) of these C.B.P.’s in our closet. Whether or not we can still get into them, and they do what they once did (make our butts look cute) is what this blog is all about. I’ve had several pair in my past. I’m holding on to some of them….just in case. We all know what they are, and what they are supposed to do - secure, slim, and shape the butt while adding a little lift.

Over the years, I have figured out some specific guidelines that must be met for (most) women if they want a really cute butt pant:

1) Jeans/pants with no pockets only work if you have a perfect butt as it is. If you do already possess a perfect butt, you are a freak of nature.

2) They must be long enough in the leg. I have both observed and tested this equation: for every ¼ inch too short in the leg, the ass will widen proportionately.

3) Pockets with flaps and snaps work well if you tend toward “flatness” in your posterior region.

4) The pocket should cover roughly two thirds of the cheek. A too-small pocket will only accentuate a too-big butt.

5) Another equation: for every $25 you spend on jeans, your butt is reduced ¼”. For example: a $25 pair of jeans will make your butt look the biggest, a $50 pair will take a good ½” off the width of your behind, and if you spend $100, you’ve just whittled a full inch off your ass! The sky is the limit here.

The Cute Butt Pants phenomenon is nothing new. We women will often appraise our friends’ fashionably clad bottoms and pay compliments such as; “Oh, I like those on you. Cute butt pants!”

I have overheard (and I’ve said it myself): “Are these cute butt pants? They were when I bought them…I thought…” A true friend will be honest and tell you “Of course they are. You look HOT in those!”

Even Rob is down with the C.B.P. and will say “Wow! Those are cute butt pants!” (eyebrow raise/eyebrow raise/eyebrow raise)
He totally gets the subtleties. Either that or he sees the price tags and compliments accordingly.

Example A: I come home with buyer’s remorse, but hope shining brightly in my eyes: “CUTE butt pants, babe!!”

Example B: I grab a cheap pair at Target because they are “comfortable” and I can “run errands” in them: “Those look ok. Not cute butt pants per se’…but useful!”

Anyway – not only do I want to fit into my cute wedding dress….I want to rock the Cute Butt Pant again! This hiking really ought to do the trick!!!

In other news: I noticed today that Cheeto’s came out with “Flamin’ Hot Cheese Puffs”. DAMN them!!!