And The Winner Is....

When you look at the following two words, I want you to, without putting too much thought into it, choose the word that appeals to you the most (there are no right or wrong answers):

Winning

Trying

I'm going to be honest, and I hope I don't offend anyone, but for me, when I look at the word "winning" I think of  a "winner". A somewhat self-congratulatory, uber-confident bad ass, who works very hard, admirably hard, toward his or her goal, but suffers a great consequence when there is no "win" despite all of their efforts. Much like the "tryer", they are driven to conquer their feelings of fear, and self-doubt and replace them with feelings of courage and confidence. They have something to prove to the world and/or to themselves. I'm not sure of their exact motivation, but for whatever reason, whatever it is that drives them also makes "losing" a crushing blow.

On the other hand, when I see the word "trying", I get butterflies of nervous excitement. Dare I? Can I? The word holds such a romantic connotation. What can be more heroic than trying? Even though I know that I may very likely fail, and fail miserably and embarrassingly at that, I will still try. I won't win first place, or second place, probably not even 30th in a field of 35. It's especially exciting when it's something I most definitely do not have a natural propensity for. The very fact that I am not a natural makes me feel giddy with the desire to try it. The "winners" may be annoyed that I'm trying. And do you know why? Because they know that I am gaining the same exact self congratulatory, uber-confident bad ass good feelings from trying that they are from winning. The caveat..there is no downside. There is no failing. There are no feelings of inadequacy or self-loathing or disappointment. Because at least I tried. I was brave and I tried. They were brave and they won. To me, there is no difference at all.

I'm not saying one way is better than the other, I'm not trying to be modest or humble here, because clearly, I am being neither with my self-congratulatory pat on the back for "trying". I'm just thinking 'n typing.....

I'm not really sure what made me think of this today. I ran a 10K last weekend and someone asked me "How did your race go?" First of all - I forgot it was a "race" with "places". In my mind, I thought that just trying to finish it was how you "won". I answered "It was great!" Then feeling like something else was being asked I added happily; "I wasn't last!"

It occurred to me then that I try a lot of things that I'm not just "not good" at, but am downright "bad" at. This goes for both myself and my horse. I push us...maybe somewhat haphazardly and with no real direction or plan, but I push us to do things that we aren't necessarily cut out for. And maybe we're kind of bad at a lot of the things we do. But we try, and it makes me feel brave and proud in a way that a "winner" would be appalled at. I'm pretty sure my horse feels brave and proud too.

Rob and I are kicking around the idea of writing some children's books with Maddie as the unlikely-hero character. I'll write them and Rob will illustrate. I think it sounds like a fun thing...to try!


Here are some pics of the 10K last weekend. I've got the Santa Barbara International Half Marathon in a few weeks. I'm gonna give it a go!

It's All The Rage!

I discovered a new work out the other day. If you like shopping (I don't really, unless it's for jeans which I have a small addiction to), here's a way to kill two birds with one stone! It's not really enjoyable, but it is slightly awkward and embarrassing, much like your typical spin class. The caveat is that you get to go home with a really cute pair of jeans (or two) and a funny story. I'm talking about shopping for "skinny jeans".  It was my goal...my mission...to find the pair of perfectly fitting, snug but not "People of Walmart" snug, skinny jeans. My theory is that with no excess give anywhere, not even one unused or wasted molecule of fabric, I will be vacuum sealed into gorgeously forgiving stretchy denim goodness.

Everything was fine, at first. l started out in the "Women's Department". But just as I suspected, lady-sized "skinny jeans" are not truly skinny. At least not skinny enough. There was no "Wow!" factor. Just some mediocre snug fitting thick denim blah-jeans. So I meandered over to the "High Fashion" aka "Super Freaking Amazingly Cute and Exorbitantly Expensive" jeans department. I knew I was going to head over there eventually....that's where my beloved True Religion jeans are. But I was waiting, I was calculating, I was trying on ugly jeans first so that the high I felt when I finally shimmied into a pair of my TR jeans would be even more delicious (I am so weird about my denim shopping habits that I'm beginning to think it's a kind of peculiar fetish).

So I do my typical "wander over". Please...I invite you to hop on board the crazy train with me. This is my process: I start in the far corner of the store and move in the general direction of my goal locale, trying not to bump into people or stupid sweater racks as I keep my eyes carefully averted until I am finally close enough to allow myself to slowly...reverently, lift my face toward the row upon row, rack upon rack of gorgeous, glorious,  fashionable denim. I allow my solemn gaze to rest upon and delight in this magical world for few moments, my eyes becoming soft and light. A small, almost timid smile transforms my once pensive demeanor in to one of quiet and happy servitude. An audible sigh escapes from my now parted lips, even as I struggle to maintain my composure. My nervously racing pulse slows to a melodic, almost hypnotic drum beat...thump...thump.......thump...urging me forward, content now and pliant. I am a simple marionette, controlled by a higher power, the power of good quality denim (oh my gosh, I think I need help). Anyway, I made it. I stand. I stare. I dig in.

I grab several pair of different brands of skinny jeans and head for the dressing room. The Miss Me's are too small (as if I'm going to buy a pair of those in a size bigger than I think I should be wearing!), the 7 For All Mankind are sort of "mom jean" looking (I realize I didn't grab the skinny cut, just the regular which I don't care for in that brand. I'll have to head back out). Saving the best for last, I nervously start to stick my trembling legs into the first pair of True Religion jeans...I have to work pretty hard. I mean...really hard. I jump up and down, I wiggle around, I do the full body wave, I pull them up inch by inch like I was pulling on a pair of tights (which is why I don't wear tights). What the HELL? I finally get them buttoned and they looked so freaking stupid! I'm aghast, crestfallen, truly shocked and completely let down (you get the idea). Then I glance at the tag and realize that I grabbed a pair of "legging jeans". Stop it! I felt ridiculous and slightly duped standing there in "legging jeans".

Off. I wanted them OFF! And here is where the work out began. Let's just say it took a bit of time and some Herculean effort to get these stupid things off. I was sweating, and cursing, occasionally laughing like a mad woman, red faced, mortified but also having the most hysterically funny moment I can remember in a dressing room. I was so weakened by the exercise that the next 27 pair of jeans I tried on nearly killed me...each one becoming increasingly more difficult to peel off and on as my muscles screamed at me to just forget this nonsense and go for a run if I need a cardio blast! The whole experience gave new meaning to the word "pant".

After getting stuck in not one, but several pair of skinny jeans, one would think I would leave the store defeated (and maybe with a super hot pair of boot cut or straight cut jeans!). But not I. I persevered. I think it was Louis L'Amour who said "Victory is won not in miles but in inches..." He was probably talking about war but whatever.

I left victorious and with these two pair of skinny (not legging) jeans. 7 For All Mankind on the left, True Religion on the right. I just love how they name jeans to make you feel like buying them is an altruistic or spiritual act...ha ha ha.....ha ha....ha.

Heading to the Grand Nationals Rodeo tonight. The question is...which jeans do I wear?

I'm Still A Loser!

In my last blog post, I mentioned that my weight was holding steady....and steady...and I mean really steady. Literally, I have been weighing in at exactly 157.4 every day for a week. I understand plateaus, and I don't mind the weight I am now, but come on! I'm still walking, running and I've recently added hiking back in. I've been very committed to the "no wheat/gluten/excessive sugar/salt/starchy carbs" life style, and yet things just weren't adding up.

So this morning I weighed in at my usual 157.4 (digital scale), then went to my mom's house to feed her cats, decided to hop on her scale (also digital), and lo and behold, it was 156.5 - with clothes on. So I did what any sane person would do - went to Bed, Bath and Beyond, laid 15 different scales out in the main aisle (linoleum) and compared - hopping on and off like I was in a Dance Dance Revolution dance-off! The digital scales were all over the map. But the one analog scale they had consistently weighed me in at 156...over and over and over (the sales woman came over to let me know that the spring can wear out in those over time, with repeated use). So I bought it, raced home and tore off my clothes to get a more "accurate" reading and I'm 155! And that's after 16 ounces of coffee. Woot! So that is a 15 pound loss so far, and I like this scale...it's a friendly, happy scale.

In addition to my new eating lifestyle, I've become addicted to canning. Yes. I found myself in the possession of a ton of peppers from the ranch garden and thought I would try my hand at pepper jelly. The first batch turned out a little runny, the 2nd batch is much firmer. I'm looking at my yard through "mason goggles" now, wondering what else I can put in a jar! I love everything about it...from preparing the jars and prepping the vegetables, to making the jelly, filling the jars, the sealing process, and most of all - giving them away! I feel very efficient, slightly traditional and old fashioned (sometimes listening to Etta James and wearing a cute apron!) who will be giving creative and tasty Christmas gifts this year! (I hope)

I think I also like it because I love produce, it's relatively easy and I can be successful at making something. As some of you know, I love to be in the kitchen, but we have had to order pizza on occasion when things "don't work out". It's not for lack of trying or lack of enthusiasm (Rob will tell you that I sometimes get so excited in my kitchen, I break out in song and dance), It's just that it's a skill that I wasn't born with that I'm trying to acquire...it's more than a skill, it's an art form! I think I am slowly becoming a successful food artist!

Here are the peppers. Aren't they gorgeous?

And the finished product (these are pictures of the first batch which was a little runny...still good!):

 

The small crackers are gluten-free and everyone seemed to prefer them to the others. You can buy them at Safeway in the baking section fyi. We tried the pepper jelly with blue cheese Stilton, herbed goat cheese and peaches and then Thai spiced and Italian sausages as a dipping sauce. It goes with everything!

 

I just harvested our Persimmon tree and can't wait to find some good recipes:

 

I'm hoping our Blood Oranges ripen before Christmas because I think they would make an excellent marmalade! Also waiting for our apples...apple butter?

And now for a Horse Break! I've decided that if I have limited time and have to choose between getting a run in, or exercising my horse, I'm going to do both!

She is an excellent running partner for many reasons - she doesn't have to stop and go potty all the time, slowing down my pace, she isn't even remotely interested in chasing squirrels or other dogs, our "jogging" pace is the same, but mostly because I can hop on when I get tired!

And here she is playing with her friends. She's the one that doesn't look like an ex-racehorse (which her two friends are).

All in all - it's shaping up to be a really fabulous Fall and I'm looking forward to rainy evenings in my kitchen making all manner of soups and canning my entire back yard!

Steady As She Goes....

Hi there!

I'm holding steady, no gain or loss and I feel pretty fine about staying here a while. This might be my "ideal weight", but we'll see. At this point, I'm just letting my body do it's thang!

Speaking of which...I've experimented a bit. While deciding to stay on the strictest phase of the Dukan diet through October, I've had a few "slips". I was at a friend's vineyard for a weekend of wine and pork BBQ (we call it Swinestock) and someone, who shall remain nameless, brought the most decadent home made deserts - chocolate "corks", nutter butter and oreo cookies - a very rich, grown up version. I went a little over board and paid for it dearly that night and for the few days following (thanks to the wisdom of layering Chinese food on top of an already "meh" feeling stomach). After not experiencing ANY acid reflux since starting Dukan (which has plagued me almost nightly for 15 years), I woke up one night (after the aforementioned slips) and thought I was going to have to wake Rob to take me to the ER. I thought I was having a heart attack, the pain went all the way around to my back and it felt like I had some iron torture device tightened around my chest.

The thought has occurred to me that I might be making my food sensitivities worse by avoidance, but I don't think "building up a tolerance" is the healthiest idea either. I feel so much better now anyway that I'm going to keep on keeping on! I've at least narrowed it down to a few things that I know make me feel bad:

Baked goods - OUT (This I already knew and don't typically crave this kind of sweet anyway). Chinese food - OUT (The bad, fried, tastes so yummy 'cause it's bad for you kind)
Corn Tortillas - OK.
Wine - OK.  (Whew!)
Dark Chocolate - OK. (Woot!)

I haven't tried bread or pasta yet, but to be honest, I'm having fun making my own non-bread bread (see picture below) and I don't miss pasta. I figure if I need it, my body will crave it, and it doesn't so......

Yummy!!

So there you have it! I am now one of those extremely annoying "food intolerants". You know...the people who expound the virtues of their new diets and will tell you, in great detail, all of the intestinal issues caused by gluten and sugar. Ha!

On the horse front - my new exciting adventure is to teach my horse to be ridden bareback and bridle less! I just use a neck rope, maybe one day I won't have to use anything. So far it's going well. I have dreams of spandex glitter suits and Rodeo arena half time shows! Or whatever they call them....

Here I Am!

May 29th is the last time I blogged, really?

I have been so busy. Work is pretty slow right now, but we've been having a lot of summer fun!

My lap top doesn't allow me to blog anymore (don't ask me why). Today I finally figured out I can use my husband's computer!

My horse/mistress demands all of my spare time and change! We've been progressing along pretty slowly and steadily. I'm very proud of her performance in our first ever schooling show in July! No big wins, but she did everything I asked, exactly how I asked her to do it. She is brilliant, I don't care that she's not a Quarter Horse and is outmatched in athleticism and brawn. Her brains are what I love the most, and she's got them in spades! And heart. Plus she looks very pretty and fancy doing what she does. I like pretty and fancy horses.

Rob and I just got back from a 10 day motorcycle trip up to Seattle and back. Wow, that was fun! I feel like such a wanderer, an adventurer! Yet perfectly happy to stick (fairly) close to home. I've never had the desire to travel abroad. The best adventures to me are the ones slightly familiar and safe but with an element of whimsy and risk, and definitely the less planned out the better. I guess I'm a "tentative adventurer"! Long motorcycle rides are perfect! A little bit CrAzY! But not too much so. Just like me! : )

We had a great time with friends and family!

The only dietary disaster of my vacation is actually a blessing in disguise. I eat fairly healthfully, and even though I haven't lost any weight, I've been feeling pretty healthy and sort of "on my way" (any day now.....). I know I'm carb sensitive, like many people are. Probably a little higher on the scale than average, so I tend to avoid over doing it.

Well, for 10 days I ate more bread, crackers and chips that I have in a long time. As a result, about a day before our trip was over, I started to have really bad stomach cramps with a little bit of nausea. I thought it was food poisoning but Rob and I ate the same things. We got home and for a week I felt ill - cramping, indigestion, heartburn, etc. We went camping the following weekend and I kept on shoveling crackers and cheese into my mouth. On the way home we stopped at Black Bear Diner. I ordered biscuits and gravy, which is a guilty pleasure. I took one bite and realized then and there that not only was I about to be sick right there on the counter, but that I just couldn't do this any more. That it was this kind of food that was making me sick. The waiter asked me if the food was ok. I said it was ok. I mumbled something about having a late night...

I started the Dukan Diet that day. Within 24 hours, all symptoms were gone. I'm on day three of the "Attack" phase which is pure protein - lean meat, dairy, and oat bran galettes (my new bread). No fruit, no vegetables, and no starch. None.

Tomorrow I add in vegetables every other day until I reach my target weight, which Dr. Dukan and I both agree is 145 lbs. (I'm 165 now). I've lost 5 already, which I know is water, but that's also a sign of my carb sensitivity. The entire time on vacation, from the moment we rolled into Bend, I couldn't take my wedding ring off. I thought it was elevation (haha), such denial. I'd been eating bread and crap for a few days leading up to vacation. Sort of in a "pre-vacation-oh-hell-I-give-up-already" celebratory way.

It's OVER.

We'll see what happens. I'm not going to blab the results, or lack thereof, all over facebook every day. My diet is a choice resulting from a combination of physical and psychological elements that are personal and I don't feel like celebrating it or defending it or discussing it with anyone unless they're interested. In which case I'll spill my guts, just ask anyone!

When I do reach my goal weight, what then? Why do I need to? Am I trying to lose weight? Or just feel better? Eating to feel good might result in weight loss. It seems like that's the idea. Will I be happier? I can barely remember what it felt like to weight 145. I think I enjoyed clothes shopping more. Being naked was more fun. Being in a swim suit wasn't even "thought worthy". But was I "happier? I don't know. I'm kind of excited to feel whatever it will feel like. If it's good, I'll shout it from the roof tops. If it's not, I'll eat whatever I want until I get fat again and lay this thing to rest once and for all.

See you on the roof top!

Oops! I Did It Again....

I signed up for another half marathon, even though I swore up and down that the 2010 San Jose Rock & Roll Half Marathon would be my last. I think I actually stopped running after that one. I remember it being a very positive "overall" experience. Other than the months leading up to it trying to train through a mild bout of whooping cough....then there was the back pain the week before and the day of (my body trying to give me one last excuse), and of course after crossing the finish line my legs didn't work for awhile....the pain...Ah yes!It's all coming back to me now.

This time things will be a little different. First of all, it's in Santa Barbara and I've never been there (can you believe it?). Second, I hope to train properly with the help of my friend and running coach Meghan (who will be running the full marathon!). Oh yes, I forgot to mention...she was over for dinner the other night and after a few glasses of wine she somehow got me all fired  up to run this one. I was going to shrug it off the next day as a "wine inspired" bad idea, but it's actually sounding pretty fun. So here we go...again!

Retail (I Now Need) Therapy

I bought a new Weight Watchers bathroom scale that measures all kinds of stuff like body fat, bone density, BMI, etc. How exciting!

While I've only lost 7 pounds, I was excited to see that my body fat percentage puts me in the "Fit" category for a woman my age! But then I saw on another site that I'm just "Fair" or "Average". So I've downloaded the first graph and that's the one I'll be using.

I went to Macy's today to get another pair of my favorite True Religion jeans since my old ones ripped (by no fault of my own). I figured I was ready for the next size smaller anyway. I got sidetracked by the swimsuit section and against my better judgement, decided I should try on some bikinis...since I'm fit now and all.

The bad news is that I will not be wearing the one on the right just yet.

The good news is that I didn't crumple into a sloppy blubbering sobbing mess only to have the sales woman come in with a white chocolate mocha with double whip to console me (that's never happened but it's a fantasy of mine). The one on the left was kind of o.k.

I found this cute top! The sparkles and strange diagonal stripes help to camouflage the muffin top by confusing and distracting (blinding) the eye of the beholder. I love it.

And (drum roll please) here are my new True Religions in a size smaller! Yes...I took a picture of my butt. Yes...I'm showing you a picture of my butt. The point being....they are a smaller size. I tried to go even one size smaller (the waist gaps a bit) but the sales woman assured me that these are the right size. Hey, you can't blame a girl for trying! (to fit into the smallest possible size that doesn't require pliers and a bed...c'mon we've all been there)

 

So I'm almost about halfway to my goal. My goal being to wear the swimsuit on the right and not need to use trickery and hijinks to camouflage my "trouble spots". I think I can, I think I can....!