Public Service Announcement

It seems like I blog about jeans a lot. And I'm starting to think that I might be slightly obsessed. But judging by the thousands of brands that are out there, I'm clearly not alone. Seriously. I walked through Macy's today and every rack and table were overflowing with "the denim". Everywhere I turned, women (and men) were clad in the all mighty jean. Denim, it appears, is our National Fabric. We are the United States of Denimerica!

And that's just fine, because I am on (another) quest  to find the perfect jeans. What else is new, right? The True Religion jeans I bought a while back are awesome, don't get me wrong. I love them. But the rise is, shall we say, a bit "youthful". They are comfortable, but not "comfy". And I still feel guilty for spending the equivalent of three family's worth of food for a year in an under-developed nation on them. I think I may have to sell them (and donate the proceeds) to get the blood off my hands.

Anyway, remember when jeans that were "comfy" were also fashionable? Take Jordache jeans for example. Or Chemin de Fer. No? Too far back? How about Guess Jeans!? Levi's! (ok, technically Levi's can still be considered fashionable, I just don't own any and haven't found a pair that didn't make me look like a portly ranch hand).

Anyway, I am on my latest quest for "the denim" for two reasons. First, I decided that I need a pair of super cute, really comfortable jeans that I can wear EVERY day. Why? Because if you haven't noticed, unless I'm at work, I dress as if I am perpetually ready to go for a run/to the gym/hit the yoga mat/go to bed. I wear "stretch exercise apparel" like nobody's business. This needs to stop. Now.

The second reason (as if the first isn't reason enough), is that I have been trying to lose weight, seriously, for two years. If I keep waiting until I am "the perfect size", I may miss out on the denim craze altogether! I will buy jeans that fit now, with no regard for any future weight loss, and if they get too big at some point in the next millennium, I will simply sell them back to the consignment store. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I decided against spending "big money" for new jeans. It is more fiscally and environmentally responsible to buy used jeans from one of the few high end consignment stores down town. This also allows me to enjoy them with less guilt and perhaps free up some money to donate to a good cause. But even though that's my plan...to buy consignment...I did go to the mall to do "research"... you know...so I know what to look for in the consignment shops. It was pretty dismal.

What is with the low rise thing? The 4-6" rise on all the cute, high end jeans are ridiculous. I'm not saying I want a super high-waisted jean circa 1982, those are equally ridiculous. Isn't there something in between?What if you're 42, relatively fashionable (on a good day), relatively slim (this is a big relative, but if I can squeeze into 'em, I consider myself well within my right to shop the cute jean section)? Apparently, while we weren't paying attention, a  generation of girls have grown up to think it's perfectly OK to have a waistband sit precariously close to their lady business in the front and show their party in the back. Where did we go wrong?

What is interesting to me, is that there seems to be a growing backlash against the super-low rise. Either a bunch of moms got together and boycotted the super low rise trend, or the designers and manufacturers had an epiphany of sorts and realized that once a woman is over 30, she doesn't necessarily want to buy all of her denim at Walmart. Imagine the money that could be made by manufacturing a jean with a higher rise that older and/or not super skinny women could wear! Of course they didn't want to call it the "Mom Rise" or market it toward the middle aged sector, necessarily. Instead, they gave it a more youthful name (which ironically makes it that much harder for a married woman of 42 to find). It's called the Boyfriend or Boy Cut jean. I find this very amusing, considering most boys these days where jeans down around their knees. In any event....I have figured it out! I did my research and I have cracked the jean code!

I found three nice options that you might want to try: the (sadly discontinued) 7 for all mankind "Boy Cut" jean (you can find them on Ebay or in consignment shops at half the price as new), the Miss Me "Boyfriend" cut, or the higher end division of Miss Me; "MEK". I understand that no two bodies are alike, and if you happen to be curvy with a small waist and voluptuous hips - you're on your own (but you may want to give Joe's Jeans a try). If you are like me - the boy cut or boy friend cut jean has given me a new reason to shop.

Yes, Virginia. There IS a jean for you!

Remember these two rules:  Funky pocket flaps are our friend and "boyfriend" jeans won't make you look like a boy, it's simply the manufacturer's code for "these are jeans that won't show your junk".

You're welcome.

Thanks For Tracking Your Weight...

You lost zero pounds. Whoo hoo! (didn't gain either!)

Maintaining my weight during the holidays hasn't been a problem, so far. My diet has been three squares, and lots of rounds (cookies). I think it's the dining out that does me in, and this year, I opted to (primarily) entertain at home and prepare lot's of healthy meals. I don't think my house guests know they've been eating Weight Watchers Recipes all week!

I'm looking forward to more holiday revelry with family tonight and tomorrow, then it's hibernation week! This is the week I turn into a complete anti-social hermit in order to recharge my batteries for the New Year! I plan on sleeping, walking, reading, cleaning, practicing lots of yoga and meditating, I might do some reading up on vegetarian diets and try to make some changes in that regard...small at first, and maybe go out for some hikes and day trips if the weather allows. Jacob and Rob have the week off too. I'm not sure what their plans are (kidding).

I think 2011 is going to be "The Year of Positive Changes For Real This Time". Last year I made some attemps, changed some things and lived a pretty healthy lifestyle, nothing too radical or different than normal. It was also "The Year I Got Married", so that took up quite a bit of time and energy.

I don't really do "Resolutions", but I think I may this year. I'm working on my list:

1) Give of my time (and/or money if I have any) to a local charity or find an organization I can volunteer for.

I read an article about a couple who make 57K per year, but live on 22K. They give the rest away (that's 35k!) to Oxfam. They live in an 890 square foot apartment, ride bikes as transportation, and buy second hand. They can't see living with so much "luxury" when half the world lives on less than $2 per day. What can I live without so that others won't go without?

2) Make time for yoga and meditation

It's what makes me sane and healthy - inside and out. Amazing stuff happens when I stick with it!

3) Consider the Eearth and all of it's creatures before I make food or other "goods" choices, or any choices for that matter

I already buy local as much as I can and try to know where my "meat" comes from and how it's raised and slaughtered. I'd like to take it a little farther and also include more of my purchased goods while I'm at it.


4) Be present, be myself, live my own truth

This includes blogging about my weight loss journey (I changed my mind).

That's all I've got so far - Give, Make, Consider, Be - and I have privately added numerous other sentences after each word that will be included in my "Positive Changes" resolutions this year, but I don't want to give all my secrets away! How about you? Any resolutions this go-round?

Merry Christmas!!!

In Memory of #431

Here is how NOT to spend your Saturday morning: Reading an article on Smithfield Farm's "Factory Farm Horrors", then it's domino effect - combing the internet for other farm animal cruelty stories, studies, and videos (PETA is the worst, avoid them at all cost unless you want to feel like a big turd for eating meat), Public Service Announcements (Paul McCartney makes a pretty convincing argument against meat), health studies, vegetarian food pyramids and meal ideas...you get the point. Why do I do this to myself?

Some of this dates back to cow #431. That little guy (who is probably no longer with us), while not convincing me to go vegan, or even lacto-ovo vegetarian, at least made me think a lot more about my food choices. But even long before #431, I had a desire to educate myself on food, nutrition, the food industry and, more importantly and ironically, how the "food industry" cares nothing for our "nutrition".

It might be safe to say that food is one of my passions, and while I'm not the best cook in the world, preparing a healthy and tasty meal is as close to Nirvana as I'm probably going to get in this lifetime. Over the past few years, my meat and produce purchasing habits have fallen more in line with what I've learned and my own personal values. But is that enough? I'm starting to wonder....

There shouldn't really be such a "disconnect" between ourselves and our food, but this is what has happened in our "modern" society. And why wouldn't it? We don't grow our own food anymore, or know the farmers or ranchers who do. It's no fault of our own, really. It's just the way things are. But it doesn't mean we can't change the way things are. Awareness is just the first step, but it's an important one. For that reason, I would urge anyone to give more attention to what they are putting in their bodies.

Years ago, before I realized I could actually track down the source of my food, I started saying little "Thank You" prayers to my food as I was preparing it. You know, something like "Thank you for giving your life so that I can make this wonderful Chicken Gorgonzola and provide pleasure and nourishment to my family". It felt like the least I could do and, believe it or not, the food seemed to taste better!

Personally, I feel like I have to, at the very least, know where my food is coming from and how it  was raised and "harvested". Not just out of empathy for the health and well being of the animals (although I have some of that too), but for the health and well being of myself, my family, and the Earth. This isn't just another bleeding heart plea to save the animals. I'm inviting you to take a stand against Big Agriculture and the industrialization of our meat (and all other) food products. I'm not going to regale you with food industry horror stories - you can find those for yourselves if you want, if you haven't already. You probably already know as much as I do. No. Instead, I will just implore you to be curious about your food. That's all.

Here's a concept that might be hard for me to explain, but I'll try. I really believe that what we eat, and how the energy/calories consumed makes us feel, either right after we ingest it, or down the road (think health & vitality, or it's opposite; lethargy & poor health), is, in some way, the result of a much longer process that began way before we even purchased the food.

How was it grown, sown, or raised and harvested? What kind of treatment; physiologically and psychologically, did the animal/plant endure or enjoy? Whatever it was, for ill or good, I believe it will have a continued affect as it moves along the food chain. I don't want to ingest something that suffered, was sprayed with chemicals to within an inch of it's life, that was half dead before it was even harvested, that was fed poorly, shot up with medicines because of the unsanitary conditions it lived in, treated inhumanely, etc. That wasn't good for the plant/animal, it's not good for my body, it's not good for the earth. The chain is tainted, how would it suddenly transform into something healthy and positive once it becomes a part of my body? This is my own crack pot philosophy with absolutely no scientific backing whatsoever (except for the much debated pesticide-illness link  and maybe, depending on who you ask, the hormone/antibiotic aspect of it). It's a little bit "quantum physics" and a little bit common sense.

This isn't to say that if we eat perfectly healthy, we'll have perfect health. Or if we are ill, we can change our diets and heal ourselves completely. There may be some studies and some documented cases that suggest this, and I do believe there are great benefits to be found within the Ayurvedic system, among others, but there is just a whole lot going on in our bodies on a cellular/molecular level that we can't control. What I am saying is that in a very subtle and general way, good energy promotes more good energy. Bad energy promotes more bad energy.

Good food energy may be a critical part to the overall health of both our selves and the planet.
Even if it's just a thought, a prayer, or the decision to change one thing in our diets or shopping habits, we can create a better dynamic for the health of the planet and ourselves.

That's all!

Buddhist Wedding Vows

The purpose of this blog entry is threefold: 1) To offer a resource for any fellow Buddhists who might be looking for help with their vows. 2) To have them in a place easily accessible for us whenever we want to take a little stroll down memory lane, and 3) To share with any of our friends or family who, whether they were there or not, might be interested in what was said on that auspicious day! : )

It was a little bit challenging to find appropriate wedding vows when Rob and I got married. I googled "Buddhist Wedding Vows" and didn't come up with anything we could use. Partly because what I did come up with was too steeped in a culture that we knew nothing about, or too archaic. In Buddhist philosophy, "marriage" is considered a personal matter, best handled by each individual or community. It's a secular institution. As such, each culture will have their own type of marriage ritual or ceremony. For a Westerner, none of these seemed quite right. Buddha believed that love was the way, sexuality was healthy and natural, and one should cultivate the former, and not abuse the latter. But that's about all he spoke on the matter. He didn't condemn marriage, but did point out that it comes with it's own set of problems due to the attachment factor. He understood, however, that lay people will have a desire for special rituals or blessings upon their union, and so Buddhist monks will bless a union if asked. As far as the ceremony itself - you're kind of on your own!

So what's a Western Buddhist who wants to get married to do? Write our own vows! Below is what I came up with. A combination of my own words, the words of Buddha himself, some of my favorite teachers and writers, including Steve Hagen and Joseph Goldstein, and with some edits and the final approval of Rob. The beautiful "Rose Analogy" (2 paragraphs) is from Steve Hagan's Buddhism Plain and Simple, and parts of the "Love and Attachment" paragraph is from a wonderful book called One Dharma by Joseph Goldstein. The vows themselves are prefaced by a brief history of Buddhism and some of it's basic precepts so that non-Buddhists would have a little bit of background - read on if interested! (it's a bit "lengthy").

Rob and Eline would like to share some thoughts and reflections that have guided them in their individual lives and have also, ultimately, guided them toward each other.


We’ll start with a story:

About 2500 years ago, in a village in Northern India, a young prince forsook his wife and small child, as well as the throne that would eventually be his. He snuck out of the royal gates disguised as a beggar, dressed only in rags. You see, he had been sheltered from the uncomfortable realities of life until one day the young prince was allowed out of the family compound to meet those who would become his subjects. The sights that he saw on that day troubled him greatly. He saw people begging for food, people who were ill, people who were old and suffering. “What was the point of human life?” he asked, “if it was so transient, so uncertain, and so filled with hardship?” The question haunted him until he could no longer enjoy the passing pleasures of his life of luxury. He decided to set out on a quest in an attempt to gain insight into the nature of the human condition, and to see if there was a way to extricate himself from a life that would surely end in suffering, even if it hadn’t begun that way. For six years he wandered the valley of the Ganges River, learning the various systems and practices of the great religious teachers of his day. He found nothing in these teachings and practices that satisfied him, nothing that dispelled the deep sorrow that filled his heart and mind. So he left the teachers and went his own way. He eventually came to rest under a fig tree. Here he stayed for several days, deep in meditation, until finally one evening, he touched his hand to the earth. In that moment, he attained complete enlightenment. He understood the nature of reality and impermanence, the causes of human suffering, and the solution.

The word "Buddha" means "awakened one", and from that day forward, he became known simply as “The Buddha”. He never considered himself to be anything other than a human being – only someone who was fully awake. A Buddha is not someone you pray to, or ask things of, or bow down to. A Buddha is simply a person who is awake – nothing more or less.

For the next 45 years he taught the way of enlightenment to men and women, nobles and peasants, the moral and the base, without making the slightest distinction among them. He taught that we all, each and every one of us, can be Buddha.

His first sermon was given at a Deer Park, and the words he spoke became known as the dharma. It was here that he first discussed the four noble truths and the path to enlightenment.

Very simply put, the First Noble Truth is that life can be difficult. There is much hardship and suffering in the course of a human lifetime, from the simple, everyday disappointments in life, to the loss of loved ones. The second Noble Truth is that much of this suffering is caused by our own delusions and attachment. We have preconceived ideas of the way things should be, but we don’t always see the way things truly are. Problems arise because of our attachment to our preconceived ideas. Attachment to things that ultimately change, cease to be, or were never quite the way we supposed them to be at all. Problems also arise from our own craving. Craving external things, both tangible and emotional, that we mistakenly believe will bring us lasting happiness. The Third Noble Truth is that the possibility of liberation from suffering exists for everyone. In the Fourth Noble Truth, Buddha explains that the way to realize this liberation is to follow the 8-fold path, which includes living a compassionate life of virtue, wisdom and meditation. But most importantly, the Buddha implored his students to open their eyes. To be present in each moment and to see clearly that which “is”.

The Buddha repeatedly emphasized the impossibility of ever arriving at Truth by giving up our own authority and following the lights of others. He taught that we each carry within ourselves the light and wisdom with which to see truth. Truth or Reality is not something vague, mysterious, or hidden. You don’t have to go to someone else to find it – not to a teacher, or a Buddha, or your parents, or a priest or rabbi, or any other authority whatsoever. Nor is it something you can look up in a book. Truth comes to us through seeing clearly, from experiencing life with an unfettered mind.

Buddha didn’t teach his students right from wrong. Instead, he taught that we can know for ourselves that certain things are unwholesome and wrong. And when we do, then give them up. "But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it."

One of the most important reflections in Buddhism is that of "Impermanence". Pick up a flower, a beautiful, living, fresh rose. It smells wonderful. It reveals a lovely rhythm in the swirl of its petals, a rich yet dazzling color, a soft velvety texture. It moves and delights us. The problem with the rose is that it dies. Its petals fall; it shrivels up; it turns brown and returns to the earth. One solution to this problem is to ignore the real rose and substitute a plastic one, one that never dies. But is a plastic rose what we want? No, of course not. We want the real rose. We want the one that dies. We want it because it dies, because it’s fleeting, because it fades. It’s this very quality that makes it precious.

Like the rose, our bodies and minds are fleeting. In fact, everything in our experience – our bodies, our minds, our thoughts, our wants and needs, our relationships – is fleeting. Changing. Everything we look at, including ourselves and every aspect of our lives, is nothing but change. This impermanence, this constant arising and fading away, are the very things that make our lives vibrant, wonderful, and alive. Yet we usually want to keep things from changing. We want to preserve things, to hold onto them. This desire to hold on, to somehow stop change in its tracks, is the greatest source of trouble in our lives.

So how do we cultivate and practice the truth of impermanence while also beginning a marriage? One that we hope will last a lifetime? The two ideas might at first seem incongruous. But this ceremony between Rob and Eline to announce among friends and family their intention to share their lives with each other....this is exactly where the beauty of love and compassion can really shine, despite the reality of impermanence. In fact, love and compassion can shine even more brightly because of it.

In this type of committed relationship, we can at last begin to experience the difference between love and attachment. Love is a generosity of the heart that simply wishes for the happiness of others; attachment, by contrast, is a contraction of the heart, born of desire, resulting in clinging and fear of loss. Reflecting on the inevitable changes within ourselves and our relationships reorients us toward care and loving kindness rather than attachment, letting go rather than clinging. In these moments of non-grasping we can assess and then actually understand what is truly of value in our lives. Each other. A relationship is at its healthiest when there is no "attachment", just love and compassion and being together with the knowledge that each day is a gift. Each moment; precious.

Love is not offered with the expectation of getting something in return. Love is offered from a place of compassion and understanding. Love doesn’t need to be perfect, it just needs to be honest. This kind of love occurs when we can be as happy alone, as we are with another, for love does not really "complete" us. We are each as complete as we need to be, as individuals. The gift that you bring to your marriage is the gift of yourselves – happy, whole, and emotionally healthy.

Please join us in a prayer to offer loving kindness:

May all beings be happy, content, and fulfilled.

May all beings be healed and whole.

May all have whatever they want and need.

May all be protected from harm, and free from fear.

May all beings enjoy inner peace and ease.

May all beings be awakened, liberated, and free.

May there be peace in this world, and throughout the entire universe.

Vows:

Do you, Rob and Eline, promise to share with each other your joy and happiness, as well as your sorrows and disappointments, to be friend and companion, as well as a source of comfort and support to each other? To stay in the moment, to quickly let go of any trifling grievances, and to celebrate and honor the love you have for each other?

We Do!


Will you, Rob and Eline, promise to remember that, as all things must necessarily change, so must you. And to love each other with the knowledge of that understanding, not with fear or trepidation, but with joy in your hearts, to always accept and celebrate each other as you are, for all of your life together?

We Do!


Do you, Rob and Eline, promise to do your best to live in harmony with one another, to practice compassion and loving kindness, not just toward each other, but toward all sentient beings?


We Do!

Jacob, will you please stand?

Families come in all shapes and sizes. Some are formed through biological means, some through adoption, still others are created through marriage. The important thing to realize is that, no matter how a family comes into being, it is a sacred and safe refuge. As you enter into this newly formed family, it is important to honor and respect each other. To always be there for each other, to be open and honest with each other, to love each other and to enjoy life together. Do you - Rob, Eline and Jacob, promise to always do your best to uphold this family vow?

We do!

Jacob, may I have the rings? (magic hat trick!!)

Rob, please place this ring on Eline’s finger. Eline, please place this ring on Rob’s finger.

The rings are placed on the heart-side of the body. They are a visible token of what cannot necessarily be seen inside your hearts. These rings will be a symbol and a reminder of the words spoken here today and the vows that you have made to each other.

It is with great pleasure, that we now pronounce you, Rob and Eline, as husband and wife!

Support System - A Must Have This Christmas!

What does "Support System" mean to you?

The dictionary defines it as:

A network of personal or professional contacts available to a person or organization for practical or moral support when needed.

This topic came up in conversation recently among a few friends and family members. I’d like to share some of my thoughts on it, as well as the collective thoughts of, well, my support system!

Each of us has our own challenges and triumphs. They don’t all look alike, but we all have them. My own challenges may not seem as great as someone else’s, but they’re mine nonetheless, and they require some effort and commitment on my part. They aren’t meant to be a reflection or a commentary on anyone else. They aren’t meant to minimize or magnify anyone else’s challenges or triumphs. They simply aren’t about anyone else. They tend to be selfish that way.

Supporting someone in their journey means putting aside your own opinions and simply lending an ear now and then. Really listening and trying to understand without being judgemental, without inserting your own approval or disapproval. Then perhaps simply offering an experience of your own, or a word of encouragement, maybe cheering the triumphs a bit. It seems simple enough, but as humans, we have a tendency to mirror our own thoughts, feelings, issues, perceptions onto everything that comes within 2 feet of us. It's not always easy to put aside our own thoughts and feelings and simply "support". We often find a way to make it about ourselves, don't we? (my hand is raised here!)

I’ll tell you this though - having a great support system is not only critical to success, it’s an exercise in humility, gratitude, and an opportunity to learn how to pay it forward and be a support system for someone who asks it of you. Through seeing what good support looks like (and not so good support), I’m learning how to be more supportive myself. I see my own shortcomings; my own habits of  being judgemental, overly sensitive, a wee bit critical, and selfish with my time and energy. Oh! Also perhaps a bit self absorbed, self-loathing at times, or maybe more like "equal parts" self-congratulatory and self-loathing (why do I feel that I could go on and on? This is messed up!)

If someone asks for my support now, however, I will give it (as long as it’s legal and not hurtful to anyone!). To minimize or discount someone’s journey as trivial or unnecessary, is to minimize or discount them, as a person.

If you feel you have to justify your efforts to anyone…they are not in your support system. If you feel that you are not being heard or understood…find someone else to talk to. And when you learn what support looks like, offer it to anyone who asks, and even those who don’t.

Last Friday's blog entry about my weight loss journey will be my last on that topic (but I will let you know when I've reached my goal). I’ve decided to go underground -just me and my support system- for the remainder of that trip. But I will continue to blog about things that are important to me - fitness, health, FOOD, adventures, family, friends, stories, poetry, whatever! : )

Happy trails!

Week 7 - Short and Sweet

I'll keep this short and sweet - the holidays are upon us and I have shopping to do!

Weight Watchers changed up their points system mid week, so I sort of erased everything prior to Monday and started fresh. I still lost a pound this week, woot woot! I think I like the new points system. I already eat lots of fruits and vegetables, and now they're FREE...this makes room for more essentials in my diet like wine and cheese. Not sure if that is what WW intended, but it certainly works for me! Although now wine and cheese have higher points values assigned to them, so it's kind of a wash. It's more of a psychological thing for me - I like seeing more points available when I start my day - 29 vs. 21, and 49 extra per week vs. 35. This way, I don't feel defeated before I even eat anything!

I walked almost daily, ran a couple of times (not very far, but at least I'm back at it!), yoga twice, and started today with a nice hike up the Pleasanton Ridge!

I have four holiday parties in the next three weeks - all involving plenty of food and drink - but I think I'll be fine if I stay relatively on track the rest of the time.

I need to buy some new pants for work because my old ones are baggy. Do I buy them now? Or wait until I'm at my goal weight? Maybe just one pair.

One interesting thing I noticed is that I am now at a weight/size that I don't loathe. I'm comfortable and I'm starting to recognize my old self. It doesn't mean my journey ends here, just that I feel good about myself again and I can use that as the motivation to continue what I started. I deserve it. It's not like there is a huge difference in my appearance, it's very slight. But I can see it and feel it, that's what matters.

Ciao for now!

Starting Weight: 170
Current Weight: 157 (-1 pound this week!)
Goal Weight:     145

Total lost to date: 13 pounds - more than half way there!

Serendipity and Week 6

I didn't actually look it up, but I would venture to guess that Webster's definition for "Serendipity" is: The discovery that one's scale is broken on Thanksgiving. I'm not even joking, my scale broke! Although my official weigh in day was Friday, and yes we did have enough time to get batteries and "fix" it, I didn't weigh in until this morning (Saturday) for obvious reasons.

The good news is that I shaved off half of the pound that I gained last week. I expect to shave off more of it and then some this week.

It's beginning to feel like I'm "hovering" again. Here is where I yo-yo up a pound down a pound, up two, down two. But if I can just slowly inch my "weigh" down......

Starting Weight: 170 (January of 2010)
Starting Weight: 164.5 (October 2010)
Current Weight: 158 (that's a -.5 this week)
Goal Weight: 145

My Train Wreck (And Other Interesting Factoids) Week 5

Whoooot whooooot! Do you hear that? That is not the “woot woot” of success, but rather the “woot woot” of a train a-comin’ down the tracks!

This week was a veritable train wreck. And what a hot mess of a train wreck it was! A hot, gooey, mess of a train wreck! To be perfectly honest, not to be confused with “brutally” honest, which I’m not up for today, I’m not quite sure why? I mean, sure, Saturday in the city was a smorgasbord of yummy San Francisco treats. I used up all of my points for the day, AND my weekly “extras”. I had to try to subsist on just 21 measly points per day for the rest of the week!

To make matters worse, I ran out of steam by Wednesday (probably due to the lack of caloric intake) and couldn’t even muster the energy to earn any additional activity/work out points to get me through the last few days. I was in the red folks…since Thursday…I’m lying…since Tuesday. Perhaps being short on points for the remainder of the week caused a small amount of panic. Perhaps panic makes me hungry. We always want what we can’t have, and this week, what I couldn't have seemed to be “enough food”. But whatever, that’s neither here nor there. Or rather, it is here….but I’m moving on…to there.

My new week starts NOW!

Rob shared an interesting piece of information the other day. Studies have shown that people with highly sensitive noses have a higher BMI ratio than those with average, or under-sensitive noses. I have an amazingly sensitive nose. I actually consider it my only Super Power.

I’ve been to the doctor because I have symptoms that mimic allergies that drive me crazy. The allergy tests were all negative. I just have a highly sensitive nose. I can smell things that other people don’t seem to be able to. In fact, I may have saved my friend’s life a few weeks ago!

Real Life Action Story Time!!

My friend lives in a really cool older home in Niles, Ca that was built by Essanay Studios to house the actors and studio workers from some of the first silent films. Her home is pictured in the photo from the hyperlink. It's the 2nd or 3rd from the left, behind the studio, which is no longer there. Jacob's school, referred to as "Niles School" in the article, and also a historic building, is across the street from her home and over one block. Nothing to do with the story, just a cool factoid. Anyway, a few weeks ago I walked in to her home and the smell of natural gas was so overpowering that I turned around and walked right back outside. I yelled to her from the street; “Your home is going to EXPLODE. You need to call PG&E NOW!” (You may notice that I didn’t drag her and her child out of the home with me. And I’m a little embarrassed about that. I guess my Super Powers aren’t really used to save other people, just myself.) It turns out that a pilot light on the stove had gone out and she didn’t smell a thing!

My nose may be eligible to be registered as a life saving Super Power (if they register such things), but it also makes food so unbelievably good, it’s hard not to be obsessed with it. Luckily, my BMI is in the “normal/healthy” range, albeit on the higher side of healthy, but I really do have to be careful because my metabolism is not what it used to be (hence this blog, and now Weight Watchers).

Would I give up my sense of smell to have everything taste bland and subsequently lose my passion for cooking (and eating). No way!

Activity this week:
Hike X 1
Walk X 3 (even ran 3 blocks!)
Yoga X 3
Bike X 1

Stats for the week (use a really downer voice here, I’m not happy about it. But I AM happy that I get to start fresh today!):

Starting Weight: 170 (January of 2010)
Starting Weight: 164.5 (October 2010)
Current Weight: 158.5 (that's a +1 this week)
Goal Weight: 145

So I threw the Weigh In this week...and as I sat on the couch last night, munching my way through fun sized bags of skittles, off brand fruitie chews, and the last three cinnamon rolls, I decided I would throw it big. Because my goal for next week is 156.5. No small task considering this is Rob's birthday weekend and Thanksgiving is on Thursday!

We'll see. In the meantime, I'm just living my life and loving my journey!

Saturday, In The Park...

Wow, what a spectacular day! 70 degrees in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park on a beautiful November afternoon.

There's one small problem: Usually, my most spectacular days include plenty of good food and drink!

I'm supposed to be eating 21 points worth of food using the Weight Watchers Points System (plus 35 a week extra to use for splurges), but yesterday I racheted up a whopping 40+ points(or so...I have no idea what was in some of the stuff I ate!).

We went to Golden Gate Park to see the "Van Gogh, Gauguin, Cézanne and Beyond: Post-Impressionist Masterpieces from the Musée d’Orsay" exhibit. We also brought our bikes to ride through the park!

I had a feeling I would be sampling from a wonderful buffet of awesomeness. Being in San Francisco, you just can't avoid excellent, diverse, and exciting food. So we parked where we could (it was packed!) and rode our bikes toward the De Young and the Music Concourse where we found (because we were looking for) Sam's (Mobile) Chowder House, of Half Moon Bay fame! The Lobster Roll  has been voted one of the 5 best sandwiches in the city. Hmmmmm....I wonder why?

And the "mobile eatery" is #10 in the COUNTRY for outstanding fare from a truck! We shared a lobster roll and a shrimp taco (with chips and soda), Jacob found a hot dog stand nearby and had his usual "day out" meal of hotdog/churro/chips/soda,  i.e: carb, fakemeat, carb, carb, sugar. Mmmm mmmm, good stuff!

Next came a stroll through the Japanese Tea Garden. Jacob was pretty impressed and, of course, broke one of the railings. I swear he just touched it, but you can't take that kid anywhere without something breaking. Really, it was just one of the bamboo fence posts that was too short and popped out. I know it's irresponsible, but after we put the pole back in it's hole, I made Jacob pop it out again so that Rob could get a picture of him "fixing it". (we do a lot of this):

Then came our bike ride! I wanted to ride from the Japanese Tea Garden to the other end of the park (where the old windmill is) and back. It's not that far, maybe 2 miles each way, but we just kept going down hill. I had no idea the park was on a HILL? I kept thinking; "How are we getting back UP to the De Young?" Of course we made it back no problem. I've mountain biked up the Pleasanton Ridge before (not all the way), I could do this park! After the lobster roll and fried shrimp taco, I was glad for the unexpected work out too!

The De Young exhibit was excellent, just beautiful. Jacob didn't touch a painting or break anything. He did the guided tour in record time, of course, and came back to tell us all of the "good numbers" we should listen to. You know...to save time? So thoughtful. : )

After riding back to the car, I wanted to take Jacob and Rob to Burma Super Star, an excellent Burmese restaurant on Clement Street. I thought the Rainbow Salad would be a perfectly healthy, low point option, but fate had something else in mind.

We missed the turn to get out of the park (which is really strange, it's not a turn you can "miss") and drove  right smack onto Ocean Beach and the most amazing sunset EVER!

I got us back on track toward Burma, but as we turned away from the beach, we realized The Cliff House was SO close. Let's call and see if we can get in!

There was a 40 minute wait which turned out to be the best 40 minute wait EVER. We parked, walked down the hill to the Cliff House, and as I was explaining the Sutro Baths to Jacob, we noticed that there were quite a few people climbing around down there, and we had time!

We watched the dogs play in the ocean, photographers with their tripods getting excellent shots of Seal Rock as the sun was setting, lovers (young and old) enjoying the mild evening and amazing sunset. Jacob noticed several young couples holding hands, sitting on the ruined bath walls and said "Mom...when I'm 16 I'm going to borrow your car. This is a great place to bring a date!". Three thoughts ran through my mind. 1) I was relieved that he doesn't think we're buying him a car. 2) What an awesome boyfriend he's going to be one day! And 3) I'm driving so I can keep an eye on them. There are CLIFFS and CAVES here.

Time for dinner! A glass of Rombauer, fried calamari, French Onion Soup, a few bites of Jacob's hamburger...could have been worse! Oh it was so good.

Worth every point! I'll just have to learn to live without a lot of extras for the rest of the week. I decided not to "cheat" and pretend the day didn't happen. It was too exquisite to delete from my tracker!

Week Four!

Two pounds down! I had to double and triple check and cross reference my blog with my Weight Watchers on line tracker, but yes...it's 2 pounds this week.

I didn't cheat, although I did use every single daily point, weekly extra, and activity points earned, and I think I still went over my total allowable allotment by about 5 points. But that's ok.

My activity this week:

Walk x 6 (20 minute mile, two miles)
Hike x 1
Yoga x 5

Still not running, the knee is a little tender still, perhaps this week!

Here are my "to-date" stats:

Starting Weight: 170 (January of 2010)
Starting Weight: 164.5 (October 2010)
Current Weight: 157.5

Total Weight Lost: 12.5 pounds

Goal Weight: 145

I'm half way there!!

No, Really. Where Is The Normal Person’s Large?

I don’t usually write two blog entries back to back, but I am outraged! Ok, maybe not outraged. I am deeply annoyed!

For the past few weeks, I have been admiring a cute Prana yoga top in the window of The Passionate Athlete (a store downtown) and decided that TODAY, in order to reward myself for "The Consistency With Which I’ve Been Practicing Yoga of Late" (I try to celebrate as many small milestones as my bank account allows), I would BUY it! Yay me!

I grabbed a few different colors and patterns in “Large”, because well, I’m tall and a little broad in the shoulders. At this point, I should tell you that, yes, I think I need to lose 10-15 pounds but I don’t know that I would say I’m “overweight” anymore, especially now that I’m back within the healthy BMI range. I’m just not “little”. On the other hand, I don’t think of myself as a “big girl” either. Let’s call me “average” with the proverbial 10-15 pounds to lose. Am I delusional? Because I’m beginning to think I am.

SO a large, right? And then maybe I’ll need to go down to a medium? WRONG! The thing was so tight that the cute pattern was stretched way beyond recognition and I looked more like a paisley-patterned sausage than the yoga goddess I had envisioned in my head. Hey, thanks Prana! I was just starting to feel good about my size! How am I supposed to believe I’m a healthy weight when your size “Large” is about three sizes too small? Is it any wonder that women so often feel they need to lose weight even if they’re in the healthy range? Hello, manufacturers? How about making clothes that actually FIT average people. And call it a “MEDIUM” while you're at it. Really? I have to be in an exclusive club to buy your clothes and all that’s required is that I don’t eat anymore? Ever? Cool, sign me up.

All of these thoughts went through my head as I dejectedly (and with a great amount of effort, let me tell you) wriggled out of the too-tight top and back into my stretchy Wal-Mart tank top (yeah…I know, it's an evil, corporate, big box store, but they make tops that FIT normal people!).

Here is the conversation I had with the sales woman, who may, or may not have called the authorities to report an unstable woman wandering around downtown:

SW: “SO? How did it work out?”
Me: “It didn’t. Too small. The pattern was stretched beyond recognition and I looked like a sausage.”
SW: “Would you like me to get you a larger size?”
Me: “This WAS the larger size. You know…this always happens to me and it’s soooo frustrating. Look at me. I don’t look that over weight to you, do I? I mean, I’m 5’8” and weigh 150 pounds(I lied a little). Am I, like, SUPER LARGE? Because a LARGE doesn't fit me!”
SW: “Noooo, not at all! You just have broad shoulders. And you’re tall!”
Me: “So why are these large and extra large tops so tiny? Who the hell can fit into these except for tiny people?”
SW: “Really, I know. I see small women buying these in large all the time.”
Me: “So this is really a tiny person’s large. I see. Do you carry the real large? Like the average person’s large?
SW: “Um…You could try Nordstrom. I think they carry this style in extra large?”
Me: “No!! You know what? I’m not buying a top in extra large when I AM NOT an extra large person.” (I said this in my really annoyed/almost outraged tone) “I’m really frustrated. I should write to the company and tell them that they need to change how they size their clothing because I am a normal sized person and I should be able to fit into their clothes!”
SW: “You really should write to them! You tell ‘em!” (at this point I realized she may not actually be on my side and is starting to look a little uneasy…you know, like when you’re talking to someone and realize they may not be “all there”?).
Me: “I will! I’m going to! They could have another customer if their sizes were right!”
SW: “Yeah. They could. You should.”
Me: “Yeah, no. I’m not going to write to them. They just lost a customer. I’m not going to tell them why. They’ll notice it in their lack of SALES!” I chuckled. (Ok, I know this is a really lame reason to give for not writing the letter. And I’m sure the sales woman could care less if I wrote one or not. I just didn’t want to lie and say I was going to do something and then feel like a loser for “never getting around to it” because I knew I wouldn't. I felt like I was running out of steam at this point. I was kind of over it. And now I'm eyeing the cute sweaters in the store that look nice and big and cuddly so....)

Some awkward silence

Me: “You have really cute sweaters though! They look big. It’s about that time of year!!”
SW: “Yeah. It is. Thanks for coming in!”

So that was that. Shown the door, so to speak. HUMUNGOUS people not welcome here. Come again when you can actually fit into a GIANT sized Prana yoga top. Like when you’re a size 2.

Whatever. I’m shrugging it off because I know I’m right. I’ve seen the type of woman who wears this top anyway. Narrow-shouldered, skinny little hungry people (or just naturally thin or petite women, I’m not trying to hate on you). Well, you can keep your Prana. And Prana - a tip for you, you little fledgling wanna-be green and eco friendly home grown sustainable over priced exclusive skinny person clothing manufacturer quickly becoming a blood sucking sell out giant corporation trying to save a buck by chintzing on the material and calling a petite a LARGE, you! You just lost a customer because FYI - you’re pants DO fit me, and they’re cute! But I’m not buying them anymore unless the matching top fits too! A-holes.

Compatibility

This is my fourth week on Weight Watchers, and my last three blog entries have all been pretty focused on “the weight loss” aspect of my journey. Even though I haven’t talked about much else for the past three weeks, my journey really is about more than just weight loss. My goals have more to do with “overall well being”, Mind, Body & Spirit. But it sure is easy to focus in on just one part of the whole, especially when I’m constantly looking up points values, tracking my daily food intake, perusing the weight watchers web site for recipe ideas and making shopping lists, etc. And yeah, I’m going to keep doing all of those things until I reach my “goal weight”, whatever that is. But I feel like talking about something else today. Something I LOVE.

That something is Yoga.

Sure, I’ve mentioned it before. But it is such an integral part of this whole journey that I’m going to mention it again, in a little more detail.

I’ve enjoyed a fairly consistent yoga practice for about 15 years or so. Sometimes I practice a few times a week, sometimes it’s only once a week if my life is really hectic. Lately though, I’ve decided that I need to find time…No! Make time, to practice daily (or almost daily). Wow! What a difference it makes. I’ve always known that there is a big difference between how I feel when I practice and how I feel when I don’t. But it wasn’t until I started practicing really consistently again that I have rediscovered the absolute joy that my daily yoga practice gives me.

First - a little about the practice itself: I include Pranayama (yoga breathing), Asana (poses or postures), and Meditation in my daily practice. I’m no expert by any stretch (pardon the pun) of the imagination. I started with video tapes (yes, it was pre-DVD), classes at the local community center, television (Lillias!), classes in actual yoga studios when it became “all the rage”, magazines and books.

The type of yoga I practice is your basic Iyengar style of Hatha Yoga. I’ve experimented from time to time with other yoga traditions – Vinyasa Flow, Power, Ashtanga, and Kundalini - and while they were new and exciting, and I can totally understand the allure of these styles, I always return to my own “home grown” practice. You would think I’d get bored with the same series of poses day after day, month after month, year after year. But I don’t. Every once in a while I throw in a new pose and toss out one that I may have “outgrown”. Or perhaps I’ll have a particular body part that needs extra attention; a kink in my neck, a stiff back, a tight hamstring, etc., and I’ll include a pose for that particular “issue”. But for the most part…same old, same old.

I’ve even gone on kicks where I’ve suddenly decided that I need “more of a work out”. I’ll join a gym, or start weight lifting at home, only to realize that yoga is my resistance work out. I just use my own body weight instead of dumb bells. What am I doing? I want to do yoga!

My practice has developed over the past decade or so to be exactly what I need it to be. I’ve done the same series of poses for so long that I feel like I’m floating in and out of each Asana without the slightest disturbance of Prana - mine, or that of the Universe. I imagine myself as a wraith in the fog, barely perceptible from the fog itself. It's the closest I ever feel to being "one" with anything. I breathe in; fill my body and soul with joy and vitality. Exhale; offer joy and vitality to anyone who would have it. I move into each Asana on the breath. It’s a quiet practice, it’s strong, and it’s gentle. It is everything I need from a yoga practice.

When I finish, I am filled with peace, a feeling of greater purpose, and gratitude. A LOT of gratitude. I stand taller, I feel stronger.

And….it’s compatible with weight loss (AHA! You KNEW I would mention that again!). But not just weight loss, it’s also compatible with mental clarity and overall well being. When I nurture my mind and body with such a healthy practice, I naturally don’t want to clutter up either with unhealthy foods, or unhealthy thoughts. It just seems to help in that regard. Yoga has been known to give the practitioner "body wisdom".

It does make me feel a little less like setting such a hard, fast number goal for weight loss, however. Instead, I’ll probably just know I’ve reached my goal weight when I can rest comfortably in Child’s Pose without my belly getting in the way!

Oh...and a quick note here: for all the years I've been "practicing", my forhead still doesn't touch my knees in Staff Pose, my heels still aren't flat on the ground (with my knees straight) in Downward Facing Dog, I still can't do Crane, or any variation of Firefly without falling on my ass, but I can do a pretty good Lord of the Dance pose! It's not about mastering and perfecting each pose. I'll leave that for the yoga over-achievers. For me, it's about a comfortable flow and just pushing a little...tiny bit.

Week Three

Week three weigh in = -1 pound.

Sure, I just lost the pound that I had gained last week, but now that the World Series is over, I'm no longer obligated to drink beer and eat pub food. And even more good news; the Halloween candy is down to the "undesirables" i.e. off brand "fruity chews" (sad little Now & Later knock offs),and those ju ju things that stick to your teeth (I did resort to a few mini boxes of those nasty things. I was rummaging for some chocolate and tried to console myself with ju ju's when I discovered my son had eaten all of the good stuff. Chip off the ol' block.)

I walked almost every single day and did yoga a few times. I didn't run because my knee was hurting after my light attempt last week, so I decided to give it a little longer to rehab.

My new week starts NOW! I'm going to try not to cheat (so much) this week and go for two pounds. Wish me luck!

I think I'll list my stats from my heaviest weight/initial start of my journey, so that I'll look even more successful: (positive reinforcement!)

Starting Weight: 170 (January of 2010)
Starting Weight: 164.5 (October 2010)
Current Weight: 159.5

Week Two (notice the lack of exclamation point)

That's O.K. No surprises here!

Week one was a short, 4 day week on Weight Watchers and I lost 5 pounds, which is way too much for 4 days if you ask me! So it's no surprise that I'm up a pound this week. That's ok. I've still got a net loss of 4 pounds for two weeks! That's two pounds a week, which is my goal. Besides, I'm all bloaty and stuff this week.

What did I do wrong and what did I do right?

We'll start with the positive:

I was able to get out and move again! My knee is mostly healed, just a little tender on the outside, but no damage to the internal parts! I walked three times, ran once, and did yoga a couple of times. Woot. I ate mostly healthy, at least Monday - Thursday.

The bad and ugly:

I LIED and CHEATED like a scoundrel! I blatantly, and without remorse, deleted things from my tracker that I'm pretty positive I actually ingested.

Rob and I had a fantastic time on the coast - Duarte's for cioppino and pie, Santa Cruz Chili Cook Off, Costanoa's abalone and risotto, oh my. I came home and doctored up my on line Weight Watchers Points Tracker to make it appear that I stayed within my "21" points all weekend. HA! Do I feel bad about it? No. Did I mention I have pms this week? Or as I like to call it, "PM-YES!" Yes to PIE, Yes to Cioppino, Yes to Chili, Yes to Wine, Yes to Chocolate! Oh HELL yes!

So I'm up a pound. It could be a lot worse!

Today I get to start fresh! Yay! I love WW!

Week One (Take Three!)

How many times have I said "Week One"? I've lost count. But the important thing is that we have the ability to start over, as many times as we feel the need to, and we can always say it's "Week One"!

This is Week One of my 2nd (or 3rd or 4th, but who's counting) attempt on Weight Watchers. But this time, I mean business. Maybe it has a little to do with that exercise I did, where I tried to get really (really) honest with myself (see my post "Living Large" which I didn't post on Facebook but might apply here).

I asked myself a few questions, sifted through some of my standard BS answers, and got to the truth, maybe not the whole truth, but some of it: I am a little lazy. I will always choose the (short-cut) path marked "Hey! Easier!". I am a bit gluttonous. What if I lose the weight and still feel dissatisfied with myself?
What will I do THEN? What if this desire to lose weight is all just a ruse to distract my fragile little ego from the fact that I will never feel good enough, pretty enough, or smart enough? I think I felt like I was all-three-of-those-enough before, and I'm pretty sure I still do, on most days, but I could be wrong. Perception is a tricky thing when you have the mind of a genious, in a hot little rig like mine (joking!). Ok, sort of joking. It's probably safe to assume that my self esteem is alive and well and I don't really need to worry about that one. Or am I over-compensating for low self esteem? Crap. Back to the drawing board.

Jokes aside, the biggest truth that I came up with is this: I am ultimately responsible for my own happiness and do have the ability to make changes that will further promote and maintain that happiness. Achieving balance is so critical to my happiness - spirit, mind, and body, that I can be confident that no matter what happens, I won't fall off that path. And that's really all I need. Losing weight is a small, but very important (to me) part of my balance and deserves my attention and effort. I've reset my goals to something that doesn't look quite so much like a 25 year old in a bikini, but more like a healthy 42 year old woman.

And NOW, the stats! My first week went well. My knee is on the mend. I actually got out and walked three times this week! I had a short first week on WW because I "officially" started Monday, but wanted Friday to be my weigh in day. Why? Well, to have time to undo any damage that might occur during weekends, of course!

But still, my first weigh in was today, after 4 days on the program, and my weight:

159.5

That's FIVE pounds! I am happy with that. Sure, it might be just water weight, and 158-159 is that "happy" weight my body pretty naturally settles into. But still. It's five pounds and I'm on my way!

Whooooo Hoooooo!

She said with feigned enthusiasm.

I'm starting Weight Watchers again. It has worked for my sister-in-law and several other friends. And it even worked for me a year or so ago! I lost my first 10 pounds on Weight Watchers, but then I decided it was "too restrictive" and I could just do the rest on my own. I did manage to lose another 5 pounds or so for a total of 15. But I've since gained 6 of those back! So now I have another 15-20 to go to get to my original goal.

I think I can do it.

Today is day two and it's been surprisingly easy and even liberating! I have great recipes to cook (I love cooking), I don't have to disect every ingredient and add up the calories, it's all right there. And they have plenty of snack and meal ideas on the website.

For those who say I don't need to lose weight....Thank you! Really, that's really kind. However, I really do. I gain weight from my face, all the way down to my knees (never below the knees), so I may not have one "trouble" spot, but the weight is there, none the less, evenly distributed ALL over.

A year before I met Rob, I weighed: 145 (Happy weight! Cute jeans fit!)
Then I quit smoking for a year

When I met Rob, I weighed: 150 (Still happy! Still lookin' pretty good!)
Then I quit smoking for realsies

A year ago, I topped out at: 170 (Oh, yeah. No.)

That's 25 pounds in the past 7 1/2 years. I know...it happens. I know that quitting smoking had a lot to do with it too, but I certainly wouldn't go back to that as a weight loss tool!


So here we go. I'm going to try this again. I think I've got it now!

My first weigh in: 164.5 (Yeeps!!!)

Stay tuned....

Honesty & Effort

I'm still thinking about this blog entry, as I completely and blatantly cheat on my 2nd week of Weight Watchers. But at least I'm being honest about it! My effort-o-meter is just reading a little low this week (it's, you know, the week before that week!)

So in true Under-Achiever fashion - instead of writing a new blog entry, I've decided to just rename an older one that I never posted and call it good!

Here it is:


Rob and I were sitting out back the other night, enjoying the warm evening and "talking about stuff". The subject of art came up, more specifically, the differences between people who make a living at their art, and the people who do not. Is it choice? Circumstance? Effort? I think all of the above.

I think that people who make a living at their art (and I make no distinction between those who barely get by, from those who would be considered "well above the poverty line") do so for many reasons:

1) Their art is their life - they really don't have any other way of making a living that they would enjoy, and so there is no other option. They've successfully avoided the "cubicle" for so long (or any other 9-5 type job), that the thought of having to go back to, or begin, that kind of life is the fire needed to push themselves to succeed.
2) They have "gone without" for so long, i.e. sacrificed steady income, health insurance, a certain stability, etc. that they really don't miss those things that are critical to many of the rest of us.
3) They have the ability to self-promote. Successfully supporting yourself as an artist requires an enormous amount of networking and community involvement. You have to pound the pavement for work, it doesn't come to you. This requires a certain degree of confidence and lack of modesty. It's do or die. You can't doubt your work or under-sell yourself or you might starve. That's just not an option.

Then there is the other kind of artist who happens to also like his or her "day job", have become accustomed to a steady flow of income, health benefits, and a certain degree of stability. They love their art, but perhaps don't eat, sleep and breathe it. They aren't quite willing to sacrifice any of the above to take the huge leap of faith that it would require and live a completely different life than the one which they've become comfortable with and accustomed to. Perhaps networking and self-promotion isn't really their cup of tea.

Perhaps supporting oneself as an artist has less to do with talent, and more to do with the amount of confidence, sacrifice, and effort that an individual is willing to give.

The bottom line, I believe, is that if we really want something badly enough, we will find a way to achieve it. If we are not fulfilling our "dream", or living our "dream" life, whatever that looks like to each of us, it must be because somewhere, deep in our psyche, we don't really want what we think we want, at least not in the way that we think we want it. OR, we may really want something, but are not being honest with ourselves about the amount of sacrifice or effort it would take, and that we are willing to give. Otherwise, we would already be on the road to achieving it. Maybe we should look at where we are now and ask ourselves; "Is this where I want to be? If not, where else would I prefer? And if it is "somewhere else", what would I need to actually sacrifice to get there, and is it really worth it to me? How badly do I really want it, anyway?"

People do this all the time - assess their life, make adjustments, effort and sacrifice. Move forward. Re-asses. Repeat. There is also nothing wrong with standing still if you already find yourself exactly where you want to be! But we can't mistake the "standing still" part of our lives as a path to some place other than where we are now.

What does all of this have to do with my blog? About 10 minutes ago, I LOL'd at the ease with which I could propound on this crack-philosophy without making the connection to my own journey. Because, it would appear, the same concept can be applied to losing weight (or any other personal health goal I might have).

In other words, I do a lot of thinking about it, blogging about it, (and even some actual effort too!), but I think if I really wanted it, I would be much farther along in my journey than I am.

It's time to do less talking, more doing. This will mean sacrifice, and effort. I keep telling myself that I can just watch what I eat, make healthy choices and exercise, and I will miraculously slim down. I logged what I ate today, being the first day back on Weight Watchers, and I've already used most of my extra weekly points allowance. I EAT A LOT.

I'm hyper aware of hypocrisy and it drives me crazy when I'm caught in my own web of it. So let's see - do I really want this....or not? Am I willing to make sacrifices and put forth the effort? Now that I'm really sitting with myself and thinking about it, I'm not sure. But it's do or don't time.

I Will Be Five Pounds Heavier!?

Get it? My last blog entry was "The Next Time You See Me..."

Life is funny. As soon as I make a concerted effort, a serious committment, something is bound to happen. This time is was an unexpected meeting between my ever-so-graceful self and the sidewalk. The first time I went out for a run since the 1/2 marathon and I trip and fall, no skid, across the sidewalk in front of the Pleasanton Hotel, in early commute traffic. I think I even bounced once or twice. Despite the pain, I jumped up (I almost did a "Super-Star!" ala Mary Katherine Gallagher of SNL). The thought of someone pulling over to help was the impetus for my remarkable recovery. I was embarassed enough!

I was about half way between home and the coffee shop. So of course, not having had my coffee yet, and perhaps not thinking very clearly, I decided to limp the rest of the way to the coffee shop. I didn't mind bleeding a little, I was wearing an old shirt anyway.

I used the coffee shop bathroom to clean up, then ran into three lady-runners outside who happened to have first aid kits! I was administered to, wished well, and then walked home (it was a much longer walk home than I remembered it being).

Anyway - that was on Wednesday and it's now Friday. I'm sore and bruised and not going to be hiking or running anytime real soon, I would imagine. I showed the girl in the coffee shop my battle wounds today and she said "Oh my god! I thought you were just being a baby!!" (I am a little bit of a baby, but still...thanks for that, coffee shop girl!)

BUT - I did get back into my healthy eating mode. That's something!

So really....the next time you see me, you may want to just steer clear, or throw bandaids my way, or something. This graceful girl has a new reason to lose a few pounds - it won't hurt so much when I fall, right?

The Next Time You See Me.....

Well, I don't know! Maybe I'll be the same, maybe a little different. It's not like I haven't said this a thousand times already. Kind of like when I quit smoking. I think it took me a good couple hundred tries. Some people would just roll their eyes at every attempt and take bets on my "relapse" date. But I'm nothing if not determined, and I did it eventually. Why not this?

If I can run (the majority) of a half marathon by wanting it badly enough to try, to overcome a few "minor obstacles" and just DO it, then reason says I should be able to do just about anything. Losing 20 pounds should be one of those "anythings".

It's not like I haven't tried and tried and tried before. And it's not like I'm a complete failure (I have lost 12 pounds and kept it off), but something feels different this time. I feel like I deserve it, like I earned it, like I'm strong enough to overcome a few "minor obstacles" and just DO it, for crying out loud!

It is part vanity, yes. I want to look and feel my best (see my scary skinny post below). But believe me, I've been lighter before and it just plain feels better. To those who say "just embrace who you are now!" that's a lovely sentiment, really. And yes, there is a lot to be said for "self acceptance". I try to accept who I am all the time. But "who I am" is not my appearance, it's me on the inside. That's the me I strive to accept and be kind to while also trying to improve.

The sentiment should really be "accept your body the way it is". For people who are healthy (regardless of size or shape) and do that, my hat is off to you. You have "arrived". But for the rest of us, I have to ask...can too much body-acceptance be a bad thing? What if we're "accepting ourselves" right into an early grave? Don't we all deserve the best in life? To have better health now and fewer health problems as we age, to feel better emotionally and physically, have more energy, a better love life, be in a better mood, live longer, respect our bodies as the only one we're going to get in this life? If you can honestly say "YES, and I have all of those things now!" then good for you. Don't fix what ain't broke!

For the rest of us...why is it so freaking HARD to lose a few pounds?

For me - I have obesity, heart disease, and early death all up and down my dad's side of the family. It's safer to be svelte!

I'm ready to say yes. I deserve it. AND Ireallywanttoimprovemyrunningtime!!!

(Ok, I'll admit it, I'm HOOKED on running and it might be easier and I might be faster without this extra weight!)

I'm SO TIRED!!!

I just ran the San Jose Rock & Roll Half Marathon!

I now know what it means when people say that running is a MIND GAME.

Saturday, the day before race day, proved to be the day that my mind tried to royally screw me over, and I WON. I woke up with such severe pain in my shoulder that I couldn't take a breath. It had been hurting for a few weeks. I thought maybe as a result of my lingering cough. But the cough is almost gone. The shoulder should feel better, not worse. It was just too much of a coincidence that as race day approached, the pain got worse. I wasn't feeling particularly prepared for the 1/2 marathon run, emotionally OR physically, and now the pain? Good one, you sneaky subconscious mind! But pain is pain, and as I tearfully sat in front of my computer and desperately reached out to my running friends for EMERGENCY ADVICE (which was forthcoming and a lifesaver, by the way)I thought: "There is no way I can run tomorrow." Thankfully, with the advice of friends and family, and the support of my husband who has taught me a great way to approach mind/body pain, the rest of the day was spent icing, motrin-ing, meditating, and having conversations with my mind that sounded like this: "Do not do this to me now. I don't need this. I've got this one, thank you!". By the time I went to bed, it was feeling much better. And I knew it was feeling better because I felt it improving incrementally throughout my SLEEPLESS NIGHT. Well - you can't win them all, right? But I knew that I could breathe, which meant I knew that I could run.

Race day found me popping out of bed at 5:15, not well-rested maybe, but SOOOO psyched! I was feeling good. I jumped in a hot shower - to wake up, to give my shoulder one last blast of heat, and because I had opted to wear a visor instead of a cap. If you know my hair, well....then you know.

I had time to make my whole wheat bagel with peanut butter and banana, choosing to forgo the honey I had planned to drizzle on it. Just one more gooey thing to try and choke down when I wasn't hungry to begin with. I got my number pinned on fairly straight (first attempt!), my clothes on, my shoes laced, and out the door I went. First stop: Starbucks! I was almost late to Kris' house because I hadn't anticipated what a celebrity I would be in the coffee shop at 6am with a racing number on! A barista, two cops, and a veteran runner/racer all had very nice and encouraging things to say.

Ok...gotta run now, bye!

Nikki and I met Kris at her house and we all drove to downtown San Jose together. We decided to run the race as a team. Me, being the slowest runner, would be the draggy pacer and make sure we kept Nikki's heart rate at around 150-155, which seems to be our easy, conversational pace, and Kris wanted to try the slower pace to see if it would equate to more running, less walking, better overall time (it worked, she beat her Personal Record! Way to go KRIS!!!).

We met up with Tish and Jay who were SO nice to start with us in our "slower" starting corral. Of course we never saw them again until the end (congratulations guys!!), but it was fun to spend some pre-race time with those two!

Anyway- being in the starting corral was probably the most exciting and fun part for me. It just went downhill from there! Not really...but sort of. It just got HARD.

We started off! SO exciting!!! Miles 1-2 are always the hardest for me on "longer runs". The task at hand just seems so daunting. But after mile 2 I got into my groove. It seemed like I was always behind, and always yelling: "Nikki! What's your heart rate?! Because I really think it feels like we're running too fast!!!" (we were barely over 130 at that point, but you can never be too careful!). We ended up with an average mile of 14.4 (I think?), slower than our long run pace, but I was being very adamant about going slow. I wanted to finish this thing!

The bands along the way, the cheer groups, the residents, the friends and family of runners, etc. really helped to keep us going. Just when you think you're done, a stranger telling you what a great job you're doing, or an awesome band playing some funky grooves is just what you need to keep going.

Our plan was to run 8 miles, walk 3, then run the last 2. We ran 7, walked 1, ran another 1.6 or so, walked .5, and ran the last 3. I think? Nikki has the actual stats so she'll need to chime in here. But we did much better than we expected to do!

Miles 1-7 were the easiest. Starting up again after walking was tough, which is why we didn't want to stop too often. Then the final two miles were about the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I kept hearing, and was seriously counting on the fact that I would have an adrenaline rush, an endorphin high, a super renewed energy surge to finish strong. Yeah...what a bunch of crap. The last two miles were brutal. The last .5 mile, excruciating! I was barely hanging on. I was just hoping I wouldn't fall over. My feet felt like lead, I had ZERO energy, and when we went through a tunnel, I thought I was going to pass out. My brain was barely able to register that it was just darker because we were in a tunnel.

The finish line was no where to be found, even though people on the sidelines were yelling that we only had a .5 mile to go. We kept going and going and going, took a turn and "oh my God...is that it WAY down there?" The only reason I kept going was because I had something to prove (to myself), AND my husband and son were going to be waiting at the finish line. Rob worried that I would start out strong and not pace myself to finish strong. I wanted that for myself. He wanted it for me. I needed to do this.

Finally....eventually, we made it across (and then kept running for some unknown reason. I had to tell myself to stop running!). There were no tears of joy, or feeling of massive accomplishment. Mentally, I was on empty. And oh, that's when the pain kicked in. My feet felt like they were only staying attached to my ankles by the grace of God. Forget about my legs,I couldn't really feel them at all except for the broken glass swishing around in my knees. All I knew is that I could walk forward fairly easily, but changing directions took some serious concentration given the mind-to-muscle delay and I had to prep for a direction change a good couple of steps before I needed to (that was really weird). The wet towel felt amazing. The water, downed in a second or two. Then walk, walk, walk through the gauntlet. Grab your medal, have your picture taken. More water? Bagel? Granola bar? Triscuits? Walk, walk, walk (how do we get OUT of HERE?). Eventually we made it "out of the chute". I think they make you do this to cool down, keep walking, and get your wits about you!

And there into the adoring and proud arms of my family! Rob told me that they were barely on their way when he got the text message that we crossed the 10 mile mark. He joked that they had to run a 1/4 mile to the finish line and they were exhausted. HA HA HA!! Oh, that was funny.

We met up with Tish and Jay and a bunch of other people at Mexico Lindo for a well deserved meal and margarita (or two)!

On the way home, I did cry a little bit. I could barely run a block 6 months ago. And today I ran a half marathon. I feel really, really, really freaking good about that!

Now I'm home, hot shower, get it all down in my blog before I forget, and off to do some gentle YOGA in my gazebo and sit alone with myself for awhile.

Will I do it again? HELL NO!!!! Ok, maybe. Maybe I can beat my PR and go for 2:59. I think if it hadn't been for the two porta potty stops, we would have HAD it!

Let's Rock & Roll!!

Whoah...whoah...wait! What happened? I have to do what in how many days? That's right. The San Jose Rock & Roll Half Marathon (13.1 miles) is THIS Sunday!

Do you remember my blog post when I first signed up? I wasn't even running a mile, and I commented that even DRIVING 13.1 miles was difficult (stereo broken, had to pee?).

Well - BRING IT. You know I will! (bring ibuprofin and cab fare)

Nikki and I are up to 6.5 miles, and I might have another couple of miles in me for the big day without causing too much injury? We'll see how it goes. We don't have a definite strategy other than how we've been handling our long runs on weekends - go as slow and as far as we possibly can while staying relatively comfortable. There was only one moment during our last long run when I asked Nikki if she'd seen any good movies lately. I was hoping that she would go into a lengthy discourse about some fascinating movie so that I could focus on that and not the fact that it's gotten awfully hot lately! well, she hadn't seen any. Can you believe it?

That slightly panicked (TALK to me for God's sake, I'm gonna DIE out here!!!)feeling always seems to occur about 2 or so miles in to a long run. If I can get past that point, it actually does seem to get easier. I have to remember that come race day!

I think a good race day plan might be to run 8 miles, walk 2, then run the last 3. Yeah, that might work out. I'm no good at intervals. Once I stop running, it hurts when I first start again. I only want to do that ONCE, if possible.

Since we're not racing for time, just for distance and the fun of it, I haven't been doing "speed work", i.e. sprints, Fartlek training, running hills, etc. I haven't been training too hard at all, in fact. I'm still coughing a bit and have some soreness in my back and shoulder blade from that, but wait 'til I'm 100%! For now, I've just been running the most minimal amount (2-3 times a week) to still be able to increase my distance comfortably. I think that's a good strategy for me.

I'm not a competitive runner, just a casual runner. It still sounds pretty cool to say that. If you're familiar with some of my older posts, I wanted this badly. I could barely stumble a block six months ago, then a mile was actually do-able. And now almost 7? I think that qualifies me as a runner.

I am a runner.

See you at the finish line!

I Wanna Be Scary Skinny!

Ha ha ha! Not really. I just want to be the size I was when this picture was taken. Not the one on the bottom, the one above it. The one on the bottom is me now....kind of “middle aged mom” sized (with the hot husband, always slim, kills me!). The one on the top was me “middle aged hot mom” sized. (Oh! In case you're wondering? Yes, I too am asking myself why I thought it was appropriate to wear a dominatrix costume to work. Different time, different kind of company. That's all I can say.)

Come ON! It’s not like I’m trying to be the size I was in high school. Not even college. Not even the size I was in my late 20’s (I kind of chubbed out in my late 20’s). This picture was from my mid- 30’s, I had already had a child, so I can’t say that I’m trying to be the size I was before I “had kids”, for crying out loud. Why is it so difficult?

I’ll tell you one thing (in keeping with the scary, Halloween theme), I’m starting to get realllly creeped out. I can watch what I eat, record what I eat, and lose exactly three pounds. And there....I’ll....stay. No matter what. The flip side is that I can eat whatever the heck I want – bacon, cheese, chocolate, you name it, gain three pounds, and there...I’ll...stay. No matter what. It is just eerie! It’s like my body has decided that THIS weight, within THREE pounds, no MORE, no LESS, is where I need to be. I waffle back and forth between just trying to accept this strange mid-life phenomenon, amd saying “Oh, hell no. There is NO reason I can’t shave off 15 pounds and get back to my fly weight.” (the weight at which I feel most “fly”).

Everything was great until about 5 years ago. I turned 37 and I quit smoking (for real this time) . It appears that my metabolism was predestined to come to a screeching halt at the same time. What are the chances? It’s also difficult because the Tomlinson-Kaufman Summer Social Season (think camp outs, dinners downtown enjoying balmy evenings, BBQ’s, concerts, road trips, and summer parties) runs from Mid-May to Halloween. Then the Tomlinson-Kaufman Holiday Social Season is upon us and that runs from Halloween to about Easter. I’m so screwed!

I must stop having so much fun! I must change my mantra from “Eat, Drink, and be Merry” to something that sounds more like “Eat tiny portions, drink in moderation, and don’t be so damn merry all the time.” Whaaaat???? That just doesn't sound like me AT ALL.

I have only two options: 1) Stop whining and live my life. 2) Keep trying to get into my black vinyl dominatrix outfit.

Which will I choose?????

I'll get back to you on that. I have a date with Mr. P.F. Chang tonight. Oh holy-mary-mother-of-god I love me some chang!

The Flip Side

I don't really know how to start this entry. It's not really like me to get too serious with this whole blogging thing. I just want to find some way to express how 9/11, the explosion in San Bruno, and all of the other tragic world events haven't escaped me during my quest for the perfect jeans, or any other shallow, humorous or flip comments, posts, and face booking I may have engaged in.

We have our own 9/11 Hero in Pleasanton. His name was Tom Burnett and he was on flight 93. We have a street named for him, the corner of which has recently transformed into a memorial with flags, balloons and signs. I've driven by it daily this past weekend and have thought often of him and his family.

Humor is how I cope. Trying to look on the bright side of things is how I survive. Otherwise I'd be a mess. I'm not a naturally happy and up-beat person, at least I wasn't before I kept practicing! My default setting is actually "melancholy". It takes effort and near constant introspection to keep myself aware of how truly lucky and happy I am. I meditate on the absolute certainty of our mortality (sounds morose, I know, but it's really not. It's the truth and it's good for perspective). Then I stand up and get on with life, which is definitely too short to be taken for granted. I don't dwell on all that is wrong in the world. But I have a huge amount of respect and gratitude for people who do, and who make it their sole purpose in life to fight the injustices in the world. Activists, my hat is off to you. Thank you for doing what I could never be strong enough to do. Words cannot express.

I've done a lot of things wrong in my life and there are a lot of things wrong in this world. But I've done a few things right and there sure is a lot of beauty and love in the world as well. I choose to celebrate and focus on the good stuff and remember them every day. Some days I have to focus harder than others, and that is when I may actually appear to be most flip.

We all die. I'm just trying not to. Right now. Meaning, I've taken control of my health (more or less, and as much as I can, it's all a crap shoot anyway, right?). I'm five years cigarette free and I've lost nearly half of the 30 pounds I gained since quitting. I'm active, eat healthy (most of the time) and I love it. Yes, I love it enough to spend way too much on a pair of jeans and post a picture of my ass on face book! : ) I love it enough to brag about how many miles I'm running or how many mountains I'm climbing. We can never know what the future holds, but right now I have my health and I'm on my way back to my old self. I'm celebrating.

I've been lucky in love. I've never had a truly bad or painful break up. Well, there was my divorce which was probably the worst break up I've ever experienced, but it was my choice. Maybe I'm too pragmatic to believe that when a relationship ends, so should my happiness. That never made sense to me anyway. They shouldn't be inexorably tied to each other. Maybe my turn will come one day. I don't know. Maybe it just doesn't happen if you're not afraid of it happening.

I have no problem falling in love. I've done it a handful of times and I'm no worse for the wear. I've usually ended relationships with gratitude for what it was, while it was. That doesn't mean it never hurt when they ended, I just chose to view the hurt as a "temporarily" painful reminder of the wonderfully human experience of loving someone. Then it becomes my responsibility to dig myself back out to happiness once again. Love, lose, hurt, dig, repeat. It's all part of the human condition, and how lucky are we that we have the ability to do it!

The death of a loved one lands a harder blow, but my dad told me something after we lost my oldest sister. He said "When someone dies, it's ok to be sad. But just for a little while. After that you're just feeling sorry for yourself and the person who is gone wouldn't want that. They want us to be happy." Those were simple words spoken to a sad 13 year old girl by a grieving father. We usually don't listen to our parents much when we're that age, but I clung to and absorbed those words, internalized them and spoke them often to myself. They helped me more than he could ever know. At that time, and also a few years later when he died, and throughout my life. That was a gift he gave me that I am forever grateful for. A few simple words.

I married the most incredible man I've ever met. I don't believe in soul mates. But.....well, maybe I do now. I love the way we love each other.

I have the kind of 11 year old son who still asks me if he can have a cookie instead of just going in to the kitchen and eating whatever he feels like. That's small, but it's huge to me. He's smart, funny, and kind. He may grow up to be a Scientist, or he may be a Roofer like his dad. I don't care what he does as long as he keeps his sense of humor and curiosity. As long as he stays kind and untroubled. His constant singing can sometimes get to me, but I'd rather have a kid who sings joyfully (and loudly) than one who doesn't.

I love my mom, she's an amazing role model who sometimes worries that she wasn't. Trust me mom, you were. You still are. There is a quiet, subtle way about her mothering that I have always admired. It's hard to put it into words, but it makes me want to raise my own child with the same independence and strength that I feel her mothering gave me. I was allowed to be my own person. I wasn't hovered over, or lectured to. Much. She wasn't full of hugs and kisses all the time, but I never for one second felt I wasn't loved (except the one time I ran aways for 10 minutes. She just didn't understand how badly I needed a pony!). Now that I'm older, I'm more grateful than ever that she loved me and parented me the way she did. It was just right.

I have the best brother and sister in the world. They are more than siblings, they are friends and role models. I am so proud of both of them. They married amazing people who appreciate all of their amazing qualities - I'm grateful for that.

I had another sister who died way too young but is still with me every single day. She would be 48 this year. As I approach the age that she would have been, had she lived, I often wonder what it would be like if she were still here. How many other nieces and nephews I might have, what wonderful things she would be doing with her life, because they would have been wonderful. She was a natural "caregiver" and had compassion in spades, even at her young age. I remember one night when I was little, I was scared and asked if I could sleep in her bed. She held me in her arms that night and asked if I felt better. She holds me still. Her death taught me to love without fear. WHY be afraid? There is loss, and there is pain in loss, but it's no less painful if you hold yourself back. You just won't get to savor the fully ripened fruit of love until it's too late. She is another reason I choose to look at the positive things in life. Many people don't get the opportunity.

So I'm grateful, and I'm happy. But it's not like it just comes naturally all the time. I like to take things lightly when and where I can.

Things were weighing a bit heavily with all of the tragic events and anniversaries of tragic events in the news. I feel better now. I'm not going to post this link on Facebook like I usually do because I secretly hope no one reads it. It's truly one of those "dear diary" entries. But that's another thing to celebrate - I do not, nor have I ever, really cared to edit myself. I try not to hurt other people with what I say. Sadly, I'm sure I could work on that. But as far as what anyone else thinks of me...I'm not sure it really matters. Can you tell me why it would? If I can't speak my own truth and be truly myself, I would rather not speak at all.

So I end this little entry with love and peace to all. Be happy, be thankful, celebrate. And let's not mention this post again. : )