Happy 12/12/12!

It is a glorious day. I can fit into my fat jeans again! I actually stole that line from a friend. I love it! Let's celebrate!

Chia Seeds don't work. Well, they might if I actually ate them, but I found them to be a bit...uh...crunchy and distracting. I probably just didn't eat enough of them. Think of taking a mouthful of sugar to cure hiccups (have you tried that?) or a handful of peanuts when your mouth is already dry. That's what it's like to eat them. I even mixed them in with my yogurt and cereal. There are only so many foods you can mix them into/add them on top of. I'm just not committed enough to risk my home made Mac 'n Cheese tonight by adding them as a topping in lieu of bread crumbs!

Anyway, I'm in one of those moods where I have a love/hate relationship with my body. My Neanderthal brain is trying to high five me for setting myself up to survive the winter and attract my mate with my ample and obvious "health". I don't hate it. I feel like I'm supposed to hate being this size, but I don't want to.

My modern brain is another story! It's not being very helpful, in fact it's being downright hurtful.

You wouldn't believe some of the things I catch myself saying to myself when I pay attention (I can only imagine what I say to myself when I'm NOT paying attention!). I'm beginning to suspect some trickery and high jinks. I really wish I knew where those feelings of anger, disgust, and inadequacy stem from. I really like Neanderthal brain. Much nicer!
So let me think on that for a while....

My horse doesn't care! : )

Speaking of my horse (really smooth transition, I know) I sure picked a challenging one! She's emotional and sensitive, and very good at expressing herself (and because she's a horse, she really doesn't care if it hurts my feelings). When I show up, halter in hand, she turns and walks the other way a few steps (at least she only goes a few steps). But if we're going out on a trail ride, I swear it looks like she's watching me hitch up the trailer and she waits for me in her stall (no walking away!). It's weird. FYI - horses don't generally like trailer rides like dogs like car rides, and they don't like to be away from their familiar surroundings and horse/herd friends either.

When I try to work her in the arena, we don't really see eye to eye a lot of the time. She has moments of brilliance, which give me hope, followed by days of complete sullenness that leave me frustrated. On days that are more mediocre, she cooperates somewhat (because I've worn her down, probably!) but she's got one eye on the gate and tries to hurry through our schooling session so that it will be over.

I can't really blame her. She's had 5 owners in the past 7 years, not by any fault of her own. She's not a bad horse, not a problem horse. She's had good, kind owners. I don't know of any abuse in her past. She just hasn't had a whole lot of consistency. We're coming along, but horse time is much slower than human time. As much as I appreciate the advice and help of well meaning horse friends, it really is our own journey to travel together. We'll figure things out. I have no problem taking the long and hard way. I don't know when we'll have that "magical bond" that happens between horse and rider. I see a glimmer from time to time....like when she comes to me while I clean her stall just to say hello and get a scratch (I have to be careful not to love on her too much or she freaks out and goes away!), or when we're out on the trail, just the two of us, and I can feel her relax underneath me and we both seem to move into the same, slow, time-zone for a while.

I had my last horse for 25 years, and I'm pretty sure we didn't have that bond after just one year, maybe not even after 10! I can't tell you when it happened. Maybe it was the day she died and she tried to stay with me because I was so sad. It's different with every horse and human. I have a feeling Maddie is going to really make me work for it, which is just fine with me. I'm here to stay, Baby Girl!