Getting Real...REALLY Real.

All right. I had a really long talk with myself. It got deep. I wanted to be completely open and honest, hold nothing back. That sounds kind of silly, but if you know anything about human nature, you know all about the stories we tell ourselves...OH, the stories! Anything to appease the ego, to get instant gratification, or to make ourselves feel better about the less-than excellent choices we may be making on a daily basis.

One good example is that of a smoker who doesn't want to quit smoking, or DOES, but is afraid. She will tell herself ALL kinds of stories to continue smoking. I know, because that was me once. The self deception was really shocking. I thought that experience taught me all I needed to know about our capacity for self-deceipt, but apparently I'm a natural. So good at it that I don't always know when I'm doing it! (on a conscious level) That could be true for many of us!

So what's different here? Nothing. Do I want to get back to my healthier weight? The one where I felt comfortable in my jeans, in a bathing suit (as comfortable as one can ever feel in a bathing suit). If the answer is no, then I need to accept it. If the answer is yes, well, that's where the talk comes in.

What am I telling myself on a daily basis that is preventing me from achieving my goals?

I wanted to unravel the web of deception I've been weaving for myself. That has to be where I'm going wrong. It just has to be. This is Getting Real 101. Here are a few things I've figured out over the past couple of years:

1) I'm slightly-to-highly carb sensitive. I know this because my blood sugar was tested at a health fair once and they told me I was almost diabetic....and not to eat dried fruit. That's all I remember, I'm sure there was more.

2) When I eat carbs, the starchy kind, I hop on board the carb-train and cannot get off! I eat everything in sight! It's really weird, and kind of scary, how out of control I feel.

3) Eating low carb, does NOT mean I get to eat cheese and olives and bacon all day long. I don't care if Atkins says I can (not that I've tried Atkins). He doesn't know just HOW much cheese and olives and bacon I can put away in a day.

4) I love red wine. Love, love, love red wine (and the occasional martini). But it's not calorie free, nor do I get a "wine delta" if I do yoga or clean my horse's stall. The math doesn't work that way. Wine produces a chemical called acetate. Your body must burn that off BEFORE it reaches into it's fat stores. So anything you eat during the day, is just gonna have to wait it's turn to get burned off. If you drink a lot of wine, it's going to be a longer wait. If you have excess fat to burn (i.e. you would like to actually LOSE weight), the wait could be endless. Welcome to diet hell!

As much as I've tried to tell myself that "It's part of my fluid intake and I don't really have to count those calories because I can just get some extra physical activity and it will be a wash..." etc. etc. (the rationalizing goes on and on and becomes more entertaining and outlandish with every glass!), it's a lie.

5) Yoga works. Period. I'm a die hard believer that whatever ails you, yoga will help. If you feel fat, do yoga for a week. You'll feel like a lithe little jungle cat in no time! Your posture will improve (that's good for a couple of pounds right there), it will ease the stress and anxiety caused by change (I didn't really feel that, but I understand some people do.), the list goes on (firms muscles, improves sleep, increases flexibility, etc.)

So - this week, I decided to get real. No BS. I was going to have a  "do it or not, but just don't lie about it" kind of week (god, I think I've said that to a man or two in the past). And I did.

I did yoga every night because it helps....with everything.
I stuck to low carb - one serving of whole grains per day, the rest of the day, lean proteins (mostly), some healthy fats, dairy, all the fruit and vegetables I wanted.
I reduced my wine intake. I did a lot of research and decided that not only would (2) 5 oz. glasses per night be acceptable (that's really just one big glass of wine), it could actually aid in weight loss. I'm not lying to myself, I READ THAT!

Well, I did it. I lost 3.5 pounds, feel nice and lean(er), and have to admit, there is probably something to "truth". Damn it!!!

I'm going to stick to it and see what happens. It's not easy being 100% honest with myself. Logging everything. EVERYthing. But if this is what I have to do, I'll do it.

YES!

Finally, something to report! I've lost a .5 pound! (That's a "HALF" pound, not "FIVE" pounds, in case your eyesight is going like mine and you can't see the decimal in front of the "5").

While this may not seem like big news, it's pretty huge. Why? Because I've actually stuck with something for more than a week and it's finally paying off!

I started tracking with Weight Watchers again several weeks ago, had some really fun weekends where all bets were off, yet still managed to maintain my current weight. Then, we had one weekend with no plans, and I actually came off of it weighing exactly the same as I did going into it! That has never happened.  I think it allowed me to actually lose a little bit this week, instead of just losing what I had gained over two days of too much fun!

And it gives me some inspiration to try it again this weekend (no plans again), and then maybe....maybe....try it over a weekend where we do have plans!

The point is, I think it can be done. I don't think I'm stuck. I don't know if I'll get into Rob's birthday dress by November 21st.....but I'm still going to try.

Back to the horse front, this is my friend Linda and I:

We figured out that we haven't ridden together in about 30 years!  Now that I have a trailer, I can go visit her and we can ride together. So much fun! In case you're curious about our history together, here is a little story about the first time she and I ever rode a horse (and not just the pony-ride kind of ride):

Nanuk and StarBucks - Eline and Linda's Wild Ride

Linda and I went to grade school together and there was a pasture with two horses behind the schoolyard. We were probably 8 or 9 years old. When we weren't galloping around the playground pretending we were wild horses, we were stealing apples from the auditorium garbage cans after lunch and feeding them to the horses.


One day after school, we brought a couple of  boxes of sugar cubes back to the pasture and started feeding them to the horses....ALL of them!

We must have been eating them too because we got hopped up enough to think it was a good idea to dare each other to climb the fence and jump on a horse. We had both read The Black Stallion series - so we knew exactly how it was going to go down, of course.

We chose our mounts (mine was Nanuk, a palomino gelding), climbed the fence and hopped on. One horse took off at a gallop and the other one followed. They ran across the field, down a hill, jumped across a little creek, then into the woods, zig zagging all over the place (and going under every low branch they could find!).

They finally galloped out of the woods and into a clearing, then hung a sharp right into the barn. We slid off their backs, shaking like crazy, and realized we were trapped in the barn because the house was right across the driveway and we didn't want to get shot! (which we figured was the penalty for riding someone else's horse without permission).

Eventually we managed to sneak out of the barn and ran back down through the woods, hootin' and hollerin' of course - VERY impressed with our horseback riding skills (not to mention lucky to have survived!).

We were hooked after that! That is the only ride I remember, but Linda said we rode these horses pretty regularly after that.

We got our first ponies shortly after (we had been working on our parents for a few years prior to our wild ride. I think the ride just made us that much more persistent!)

Can you imagine how much fun it is to ride together again? Not quite as exhilarating as that first ride...but pretty fun!

Just Too Darn Busy Having Fun!

I'm still down 4 pounds and I lost a couple of inches from my waist, but I've sort of stalled. I think I should probably go back to tracking for a while to see where I might be over-doing it.

Eating low carb has turned out to be very easy and makes me feel better anyway, so it's a win win. If I don't lose more weight, then whatever. As long as my horse's knees don't buckle under me, we're good!

Since I got the truck and trailer, Maddie and I have been out and about having the time of our lives!

We met my friend Carla and her horse Rain at a Gymkhana in Livermore where we took 2nd place over all in our division! In case you don't know, Gymkhana is barrel racing, pole bending, etc. The horse and rider are timed and the fastest horse with no penalties wins! We were just doing it for fun and didn't go too fast. We were also in the most novice group! But I was very proud of my baby girl. She's always up for anything!

Here is Carla and I:

My Champion!

Then I took a drive out to Livermore to ride with my childhood friend Linda! We got our first ponies together when we were 10 years old - Baby Doll and Little Vick. Then we got our big horses at around the same time when we were 12 or so - Mandy and Duffy. We haven't ridden together in 30 years! What a treat!

The Livermore ranch lands:

Here we are in Sunol Regional Park!

One of our first solo trailer rides was to Sycamore Grove Park in Livermore:

I'm afraid people won't be seeing too much of me when the weather is nice!

Hello Me, It's Me Again!

That's a reference to a Megadeath song, who I saw in concert several years ago and where I realized I was too old to go to Megadeath concerts (I was called "Ma'am" for the first time in my life, as in "Ma'am, you need to get out of the mosh pit! It's very dangerous!"). All righty then! It was Dave Matthews concerts after that.

Anyway, I'm down another pound this week. This is really cool! No dieting, tracking, worrying, etc. I just don't eat bread and garbage like chips (but Pork Rinds are A-O.K!). Everything else is on. The first week was rough. I didn't have cravings but I feel bad for my husband, I was kind of a train wreck of inconsolable despair and mini-tantrums. (Rob just read this bit and said he was completely unaware of my inconsolable despair and mini-tantrums. I guess they were more "internal"!)

I'm also pretty much a bad ass now. Just thought I'd tell you in case you haven't heard. I can now hitch my horse trailer to my ol' pick up, load my horse in, hit the road and find some trails! It took me a half hour to go 17 or so miles on our first outing (I didn't go faster than 35 MPH), but we got there eventually and it was great! So now, that's where you can find us on the weekends....if you can find us!

Oh, Who Am I Kidding!?

I can't keep a secret!

I've almost completed the first week of my "top secret plan". I've had plenty of red wine, cheese, prosciutto, dark chocolate, olives, bacon, fish, shrimp, you name it! Of course I also eat a LOT of fruits and vegetables. The only thing missing from the list is bread. Bread, rice, pasta, etc. The "starchy carbs". The white ones.

I'm limiting the brown/whole grain starches as well, to one serving per day. It could be a potato, corn, bread, pasta, tortillas, whatever, but one serving, one time per day, if that.

I'm not tracking, logging, counting, worrying, wondering, or whining. I'm just living, and enjoying my life.

I've read some articles and I've done some research. I want to be one of those healthy people who don't obsess and track every bite, worrying over every calorie. I want to be like one of those long-lived people you hear about who live in some hilly Italian village, enjoying mild exercise daily, eating when hungry, stopping when almost full. Eating for sustenance, but also for the enjoyment of it. I want sustained energy, I don't want to crave carbs and sugar (eating them leads to craving them even more). I don't want to feel hungry all the time.

This was a rough week. Either because I was going through carb withdrawal, or because it was just a rough week. But the one thing that wasn't rough was my diet. I ate when I was hungry, I stopped when I was full. No rules other than the one mentioned above (one serving of starchy carb, whole grain only, one time per day). And I probably skipped that a few days. I was too busy eating prosciutto or capacola wrapped mozzarella cheese with a side of Calabrese olives and cherries.

Or this warm shrimp salad with corn, avocado and goat cheese:

When I did have my daily starchy carb, it was in a fish and potato bake, or a goat cheese, spinach, walnut pesto and avocado sandwich:

(You notice goat cheese is sort of a staple in my house)

I'm trying to do a lot more yoga. It really connects the mind to the body and gives me a stronger sense of inner-wisdom. My body knows what it needs. I'm learning to listen all over again.

I feel great! No hunger, no cravings, no feelings of "failing". Everything in moderation, some things more moderated than others. Pork Rinds are the new Cheese Puff!

And the best part, I lost 3 pounds! I think I'm ready to be free.

Bend, Boots & Babies! (and beer....and blues...and boats...and butte...)

I couldn't decide which B words to use, there are so many to choose from!

I did something I've never done before. I came home from a vacation weighing the same as when I left! And I ate and drank to my heart's content. The only thing I did differently is that I did not use the vacation as an excuse to go crazy with "road trip" food or copious amounts of chips (I had some, don't get me wrong, but they weren't my staple!).

I ate more "low carb' than I would normally eat on vacation. Out on the boat, for example, everyone had sandwiches and crackers, I had egg salad and fruit (and beer, but whatever, it's still a vacation!).  Beer is a tough one to avoid in Bend. There are more breweries per capita than anywhere on EARTH! And good beer too!

I also continued my "daily commitment" to get up early and do one activity, for myself, for at least 30 minutes (yoga, walk, meditate, run, horseback ride, hike, whatever), the only difference is that it did NOT involve getting up early.

I emphasize the "for myself" because I don't want to think of doing an activity I enjoy as a chore. It's a gift to myself. A big fat sweaty hug every day! I choose activities that will hopefully contribute to health, vitality, balance, etc. Today however, suffering from a vacation hangover, I gave myself the gift of extra sleep!

Back to Bend......

We hiked up the Butte one day: (Oh yes, I have proof!)

We danced our butts off for a solid 90 minutes to this guy - Tommy Castro, Munch and Music at Drake Park:

We were in the "front row" right below the stage and periodically, someone would jump up on the stage and dance until security kicked them off. I decided it was something Emily and I should do, considering our slick moves and all. So I "co-erced" her into hopping up on stage with me (really, it was just a head nod toward the stage and me mouthing the words: "LETS GO!?"). That was fun!

But the best part of our visit were these little angels:

Oh my gosh, two more perfect little girls could not exist anywhere in the world! I am so proud of my niece Brenna. She is such a fantastic mom and role model. And Matthew is such an amazing dad. I'm very proud of both of them. Here is my beautiful niece Brenna with one of her babies (shoot, I don't know which one!):

Matthew was probably attending to the other one!

We girls did some of this:  

While the men-folk tended to the babies (so cute!):

And of course, it's just not a trip to Bend without a pilgrimage to Cowgirl Cash! (an awesome cowboy boot consignment store where I can pick up some "already broken in" boots!):

And yes, I usually wear them out of the store!

We usually do consignment store shopping because the stuff is so good, and it's cheap, and there is no sales tax! At another store called "Rescue", I grabbed a Sue Wong dress off the rack and kind of jokingly held it up to me, because it WOULD look super cute with my new boots! Rob's mouth hit the floor and he insisted I try it on. "Isn't it a bit too....uhhhhh....you know....for me?" He said it was "just the right amount of....uhhhh....you know..." (I don't remember the word I used, but it wasn't a good one).

The only problem was that the dress was a size or two too small! It's a size 8, and I am not! Right now. But it was the only one (since it's a consignment store). And even though it was "previously owned", it wasn't cheap.

Rob decided that I needed to have it. I told him it didn't fit....but if he bought it for me....I would be in it for his birthday! Besides, Glen (my brother in law) said I could always "flip it". Lol! SOLD!

(sorry for the bad photography, you get the idea)

I have a secret way to get to my goal and in that dress by November 21st  that I'm not divulging yet. It's too secret. But I'm hoping to have a big reveal. I just want that damned REVEAL!

Considering I didn't get into a bikini by Memorial Day or 4th of July, and Labor Day ain't happening....we'll have to see if my top secret plan works. Stay tuned....,,

What Day Is This? (Or...The Red Bikini)

I lost track of my 21 Day Free to Love Meditation Challenge! We went camping for four days and I had ZERO bars (no reception). So in a way, that was a meditation in and of itself!

Four days of this:

And this:

Same thing, right?

I did splurge a bit on the eating, but not much...just the odd S'more and Cheese Puff here and there.

I found an old "calorie log" notebook from 2010 and noticed my weight was the same back then as it is today. So even though I haven't made it to that illusory goal of "whatever-it-is" (maybe that's my problem?), I've maintained! Yay me. I have to pat myself on the back for being so persevering. If only there were an Olympic sport of dieting!

I almost did a stupid, yet funny, thing yesterday. Almost. I think the fact that I didn't, means I've really grown as a person. Either that, or I'm slipping. A year ago, I probably would have done it. I was driving down Main Street in Pleasanton, when from the corner of my eye, I spotted the brightest red bikini I'd ever seen! It was like a beacon calling out to me, a siren! An otherworldly fabric demanding my attention. It was hanging outside a boutique on a Sale rack. I decided that it was fate, and that THAT would be my "goal bikini". Great idea, right? I pulled over, walked to the boutique, grabbed the bikini (and some other really cute sale items) and headed for the dressing room. Of course I knew the bikini wouldn't fit. I just wanted to see...... By the way, this is the same boutique from my blog post No Really, Where Is The Normal Person's Large? And oh my god! Well, the suit had been marked down from a ridiculous price of $80, to $49, to $29, to $19, and then finally to a needy and desperate $15. And do you know why? Because no woman, no normal, healthy woman, is ever going to fit into a "Medium" size of anything this designer makes. I think I got one leg in. I didn't even cry! I did what any woman in my position would do; thought about taking a picture of me in a portion of the bathing suit to post to my blog to go along with the story I was going to tell about it. I wish I had! Now THAT would have been funny!